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idream2dream
Junior Member

since 1999-11-30

Posts 15
bessemer

0 posted 1999-12-14 05:21 PM

(PLEASE REMEMBER IAM JUST A HOUSEWIFE AND JUST FEELINGS TO PAPER NOTHING THOUGHT ON OR STUDIED.lOVING THE HONESTY AND THE TIPS THANKS)

I wonder can you see me peek
From the machine I stand behind
Not knowing for sure what I seek
Wondering what's on your mind.

I try to imagine that you
Sneak a peek at me too
Picturing what I would do
If I found out you were peeking too.

I know there's noway
That my I can conceal
What my heart can"t say
But my eyes reveal.

haze
Senior Member

since 1999-11-03

Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA

1 posted 1999-12-14 05:34 PM

I loved the whimsical play of this, very nicely done with just a touch of intrigue...

Just so you know, there is no such thing as "Just A HouseWife" The author of Peyton Place, was "Just A HouseWife" too...untill she wrote her first novel

idream2dream
Junior Member

since 1999-11-30

Posts 15
bessemer

2 posted 1999-12-14 08:07 PM

THANK YOU, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO WHEN I WORKED . I USED TO PEEK BETWEEN THE MACHINES TO LOOK HIM. THANK YOU.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 1999-12-15 09:58 AM

Don't ever again appologize for being "just a housewife." (My own lovely just a housewife would have my skin if I failed to say that.)

I can't do anything more than agree with Haze except in the last stanza: I think I would make "noway" in the first line two words and remove "my" from the second line as it appears to be a typo. Then it would read:

I know there's no way
That I can conceal
What my heart can't say
But my eyes reveal.

Very nicely done. I enjoyed it.

idream2dream
Junior Member

since 1999-11-30

Posts 15
bessemer

4 posted 1999-12-15 05:57 PM

THANKS : ) yes it does sound better.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 1999-12-16 03:43 PM

This does have a very playful feel to it. In many ways, you've really caught the idea of 'peeking' through the style of the poem; I enjoyed it very much.

As usual, I would ask for more detail on the workplace although there is something to be said about letting the image/metaphor stand alone here.

I for one liked the line: 'that my I can conceal' as opposed to your I or his I. Yeah, it's a little hard to read but I like the way it sounds and, in a certain way, fits very well the machine imagery of the first stanza.

Thanks,
Brad

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