»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Walk Away
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Walk Away |
|
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I really enjoyed the challenge of creating this rhyme scheme and I rather like it now that it's finished. But I would appreciate comments from those of you who know so much more than I do about such things. Walk Away I gaze into your lovely eyes – Enchanting lustrous pools of blue; You cast that smile and my heart sighs, My fondest dream – To look at you; Yet, knowing though I’ll beg you stay, You’ll turn from me … And walk away. To hear your voice, to see your smile, To hold your hand just for a while And run my fingers through your hair; To share that treasured time with you, These are the things I love to do. I reach for you … But you're not there. I sleep, I dream and see your face, I wake, I sigh and speak your name, I call your name … But you're not there. I miss your smile, your charm and grace; Without you near life's not the same; I search for you … But know not where. The mem'ries you have given me – That only you and I can see – The times we shared, the things we said, I'll cherish 'till my bitter end; You took my heart, I lost my head, And fell in love with my best friend. My heart still aches for you once more To be close like we were before, Oh painful loss – my tears outpour; So ease my hurt that I might sleep, To dream sweet memories I keep, And soothe my soul … No more to weep. I gaze into your lovely eyes; I think you hear how my heart cries; Bewitched by magic pools of blue, I dare not take my eyes from you. And even as I beg you stay, You turn from me … And walk away. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 12-13-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
idream2dream Junior Member
since 1999-11-30
Posts 15bessemer |
(MY ICON ) ANYWAY I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!! ALL I KNOW IS HOW TO PUT WORDS OF HOW I FEEL ON PAPER. BUT , I LOVED IT...... |
||
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i really liked this, except for the rhyme in the first stanza doesn't match the rest of the poem. but, i think that the good outweighs the bad in this case. this is a great romantic poem that in my opinion avoids being trite. it's memorable, lyrical, and it almost begs to be read aloud in a soft, wistful voice. on reading this again just now, i see the rhyme scheme... and i like it even more  favorite stanza: My heart still aches for you once more To be close like we were before, Oh painful loss – my tears outpour; So ease my hurt that I might sleep, To dream sweet memories I keep, And soothe my soul … No more to weep. this is excellent |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I'm glad, Idream and Roxane, that you liked it. And Roxane, I think that is my favorite stanza also. Now, about the rhyme scheme. I don't know that I've seen this before, but is it alright to rhyme each stanza differently? I know it was a challenge (for me anyway) but still fun to do that but didn't know whether it would be acceptable or not. What do you think about that particular feature? |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
You need to change your handle, my friend. Your rhyme scheme is very interesting and iambs all the way through to boot (do I detect some evidence that Not A Poet is a fellow left brainer?). This criticism I am going to keep short. I do not see much room for improvement (except, maybe, the suggestions Roxanne offered). Perhaps a more discerning eye will be able to offer you more than I can at this present time. Excellent job, my man. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jim you have caught me; I am a mathematician. But how did you know?  And thanks for commenting on my poem, particularly since your comment was so complimentary.  Thanks, Pete (Not A Poet) |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
