Hurting mistake - pipTalk Forums

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idream2dream
Junior Member

since 1999-11-30

Posts 15
bessemer

0 posted 1999-12-09 09:36 PM

~~everyone to know if i replied to your poem the icon i chose was just a symbol of me. nothing to anyone. i chose you use it as my signature )
__________________________________________________

i've made a big mistake
that keeps me crying
my few tears are now a lake
that knows no time for drying

im in over my head
caught up in a need
wanting to take back what i ve said
wanting again to be freed

will ,can you ever forgive me
will things ever be the same
we both knew it wrong now we see
yes its all me you can blame

my feelings were true
but needed to be left unspoken
if time could if we only knew
now your heart is broken and mine is too

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-12-12 06:26 PM

Please don't be upset by this but can you please explain to me why I should even care about this poem. You don't tell me anything; are you afraid that it's too personal? It's entitled 'Hurting Mistake' but nowhere do you tell us what that mistake was. I suppose it would work fine for the members involved but I'm not one of them. A lot of people will tell you "I know how you feel" but I'm not one of them because I don't have any context to know what you feel.

Why do you wish to tease us so?

Brad

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 1999-12-13 04:16 PM

idream2dream:

I am going to have to side with Brad on this one. I am simply not certain that your poem is done. I can identify with certain feelings that are evoked by my making my own mistakes but, without knowing what the mistake is the poem's subject has made, I cannot tell if he/she is "wigging out" over something substantial or something trivial. Or maybe you meant it that way. Tell me if you did. If that is the case then I think a hint as to what the "Hurting Mistake" is would enhance your poem.

It is a bit of a tease to have gotten to the end of a poem without knowing more about what caused this fit of despair.

Style wise, I think that an elipses (...) would be a more effective pause at the beginning of line 1 of the third stanza than the comma that you use.  And is there a particular reason why your rhyme scheme is intact in stanzas 1 through 3 only to break down in the stanza 4?

I think this is a good poem.  I would like to know more about the mistake, though.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

idream2dream
Junior Member

since 1999-11-30

Posts 15
bessemer

3 posted 1999-12-13 08:39 PM

thanks for the suggestions. I can handle it. This is why my poems here. I dont know anything of writing just a housewife who has stacks and decided to do , try. So I welcome all the should of's ,could of's anyone has to offer. Yes I see your point. Maybe I shall revise and repost .Please read the rest . Curious if there would be hope for them. THANKS

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