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Critical Analysis #1
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a silhoutte on a hill
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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a silhoutte on a hill |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
somber tints of twilight fall on a day merely half over and as i pass the hill walking home i see again his silhoutte a blur of darkness against brilliant pink head down with feathery wisps of of hair adorning his profile a brisk gait, he walks across the top of the hill i know to greet his love for this time he's carrying a bundle of flowers just barely i can make out his lips, slightly parted for the first time, with quick resolve i make my way up the hill and follow him as he treks through the geometrical lawns his step grows wider, as if he's filled with passion and somewhere his love waits for him i think to myself with some regret "my boyfriend would never come to me day after tedious day, and this time with flowers, maybe i need someone more like this one." as i rose to the top of the hill a brilliant ray of sun blinded me and then the golden orb sank behind the horizon, dimly in the cool shade of evening i saw the silhoutte though with all his dimensions with his slightly parted lips, greet his love with a kiss and as he turned around to close the door behind him for the first time: his face! i'm sure that the eyes in this face met mine they received a negative reception for that shadow's face with his feathery hair belonged to the one i knew not as a figure on a hill but as the boyfriend i wished had such passion i'm beginning to think that i have absoltuely no talent at all, and i wanted to see if i could write something to validate it. "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brie New Member
since 1999-12-06
Posts 8WA |
ouch. i thought about that until it gave me a headache. it took me a second to get who the figure was at the end, but don't change it. don't make it more clear. i like it this way. in fact, i haven't read many of your poems, but this definitely has talent. -brie |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
I hate to say this but this poem made me feel sad..... I think I would love to be that silhoutte... I could feel the emotion you had for this person even if you didn't know him.... it's unique because I can see myself from both sides, the lonely girl crawling through the grass and wishing for someone that loyal. Perhaps you are like me, after all, perhaps we both think we're untalented,... I'll tell you a thing.. it could be because you are looking too much at the structure of the poem and less at the content. I think the content and the imagery are very powerful in this..... superb writing. I looked at the stars gleaming like the waters, and on the ground I laid, looking upwards at the stellar skies-- black as darkness in the forest, clear as water, aching as memories! |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
roxane ~ i'm not exactly a "critic", but i know what i like... and i like this poem... it's melancholy without being explicitly so... i dont think the measure of a great poet is his/her style, form, or diction, but rather the depth of his/her thought and the portrayal of those thoughts in a way that other people can understand them... i dont know about everyone else, but the message of the poem was clear to me (at least A message was, perhaps not the one you intended)... what i percieved was that while you were yearning for your love to be more passionate and comparing him to an unknown figure who ran to his lady-love with flowers and a kiss you discover that your "love" actually WAS the one who ran to another... if i mispercieved it, i apologize, but whether you meant it to say that or not, i liked it... the only thing (grammatically) that i didn't like was the use of the word "geometrical"... it doesn't seem to flow with the tone of the work... but then, perhaps you have an image in your head that i do not conjure when i think of a hill and gardens... anyway... those are my thoughts and i hope you dont lose faith in your talent... you have far more than i, so if you quit then i have no hope at all *heh*... sincerely, **jerome the boy with no brain |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Roxane ~smiling~ I positively refuse point blank to comment on this poem till you edit out that ridiculous comment you've appended at the end about talent  P** |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Meloncholia, regret then betrayal! The words set the mood nicely, I think, but there is something missing to me. Your first line grabbed me and I think it did so for two reasons: First, the wording is excellent and, Second, check out the meter. I think this poem begins musically. I found the same to be true of the first line of the third stanza. I realize that this is free verse but I think a little structure would go an awful long way here. Your wording is fine. I agree with PK that "geometrical" may not be the best word for the line. Did you mean "well manicured lawn" or something like that? Of course, these are only my opinions. The last thing you should do, however, is question your talent. I am still trying to get the villinelle right (if I even spelled it right  ). And I remember how fast you cranked that thing out! Keep writing and believe in it ... you are producing some very good work.< !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-09-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
You tell her Jim (about the talent I mean), and no you didn't spell villanelle right LOL. And do you really spell "silhouette" as "silhoutte" in the US? or was it just a slip? ... and no I'm not being clever I really do get confused by your funny spelling  . |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Poertree the human spellcheck! And now I have no excuses for mispelling villanelle. Got us both, huh Roxanne. Again, very nice poem. Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Did you say "human" Jim? lol |
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Brie New Member
since 1999-12-06
Posts 8WA |
I admit I'm not an editor, but I kind of like the imagery provoked by the word 'geometrical.' It made me think of a set of lawns where everything is the same, identical, square, and boring. You have this world that follows a mathematical rule perfectly, and this shadowy being who is already mysterious, and made more interesting to me because he doesn't fit the precise world, and cuts through the lawns instead of taking the street or the sidewalk. It emphasizes how he isn't a part of our "day after tedious day." I'm not sure it's the *best* word, but if you replace it, I think the new word should have that same feel to it. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i meant to post a thanks to you all sometime ago, but i've been more anxious to read, and i am loath to post on my own poems. as for the explanation, i'll try later. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I usually don't enjoy free verse all that much (I suppose that's a personal problem) but this one is different. I really liked it. Even without meter, it still seemed to flow nicely. And the content was very strong. I also think "geometrical" might be replaced. The hill along with the rest of the poem seems to suggest a more free, rounded, flowing environment. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
At first, I was a little disappointed with the ending. I saw it coming. However, the more I think about it the more I enjoy the way you've taken a romantic poem to show the impossibility of romantic ideals. Far away, everybody's great; up close, they're just like everybody else. It was also an easy read which is something we all need to do now and then (I'm talking to myself here). Variety is the spice of life. On talent: who cares if you think you don't have any talent? I don't. I just think you should keep writing. Talent is a joke that other people use to say that they don't want to write or that they don't have to work or that they don't have anything interesting to say. Forget about the defense mechanisms and just keep working .Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
brad- i've had possibly the worst day of my life ever, so my thinking is a little fuzzy. could you tell me perhaps how i make the ending more of a surprise without making the poem lose all sense? no, i don't think it's a very good poem, but again, i don't think that it's trite or predictable. the point of this is not to show the impossiblity of romantic ideals, but rather to make the reader contemplate which is the greater betrayal; the adulteration of the flesh, or the adulteration of the heart. it stems from a recent experience. the silhouette is a figure i saw in my dreams for several years. likewise, the narrator sees this real figure daily, and becomes infatuated with him, all along betraying the trust of her boyfriend, who really is that perfect love. i guess the point is to be objective. which i am not. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I don't want to debate your poem until you're in a better mood but I don't think my interpretation is that far away from what you intended to say. And I never, never said nor intended to imply that this poem is 'trite'. Hope things get better soon. Brad |
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
I love this poem. It creates some lovely pictures, but the ending was sorta unclear to me (Things like that happen to people like me with small minds) but I still love this one < !signature--> --A Little Fairy-- [This message has been edited by Fairy Colours (edited 12-20-1999).] |
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