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Twin Stars
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Twin Stars |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
I see them everyday. I see them in the workplace and at every mall. I see them on the street, in windy days of fall. I see them when they are at play, but never when at rest. I watch them smile, I watch them hate. I've watched them grow in innocence. They've been at times resigned to fate, or glowing with fools jest. Of late I've looked into the glass, but did not see blue skys. Just resigned acceptance of the lines, from lifes hardships gone by. Today I've seen two new ones, and heard a fairy lyre. Broken chains, a self made cage, a heart that now repents. And if the days that I have left, are shortened to a page. I'll write a splendid tale of love, with honeyed amber days. For the two I see reflect to me, a simple country spire. I thank the Master of us all, such work, to him the praise. I know this isn't quite right. Be patient, I "am" trying. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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| © Copyright 1999 captaincargo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
The only thing I suggest at the moment (Since you are working on it) Is to work on the stanzas that sound like forced rhyme. That's all. --A Little Fairy-- |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
capt.- i like the last stanza so much. it's unbelieveable. the imagery is beautiful, the rhyme is lovely. there's just one problem that i can see with this, and that is that it's difficult to decihper exactly what this poem is about because it shifts styles so much. i keep thinking that i have an idea, but then i think maybe i'm wrong, and that i shouldn't mention it because i might be. if you be a little more clear on this, i would appreciate it so much. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
EYES ?? Eyes used as a kind of reflection of other peoples (and also the speaker's) feelings and lives?? In the poem the speaker undergoes a change in heart towards his attitude to life, repents of his former sins which led only to hardship, and turns to God? Now Capt you can tell me I missed the whole point (heh heh) ? Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 12-04-1999).] |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Poertree: Yes, I was hoping I had gotten through somehow. I think that roxane also knew. The two new ones were supposed to be his newborns. And the refection, a picture behind him on the wall, of a country church, as he looks through the maternity room window. I know it's a big reach, someday I may get better at this. Thank you all for taking the time to respond, and also reading it. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Wow Capt. the jump to two newborns was too much for me, but I really did enjoy this .. Thanks Philip |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Poertree: Actually it's just one newborn. I should've written "newborn's". Sorry to confuse. Cap. Carg. |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Well written and very "picturesque", if I may use that term. It suggested to me the tale of an old man reminiscing about the mixture of happiness and sadness he felt while seeing beloved children grow up, and his wish to write down those precious memories before it would be too late. Did I see it right? One little criticism: the follwing line, "Just resigned acceptance of the lines, from lifes hardships gone by" lacked the proper meter to fit in with the rest. Willem |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Willem, thanks. The truth is, I didn't like it either. I will attempt to fix it. :69 Cap. Carg. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, you ask me to be patient. I admit I can put up with the first two stanzas (normally, I'm not particularly fond of that style a la Ginsberg); it's a good set up. I also like the movement of finding something to believe in but, well, I don't know, the rest seem to be lost in poetic hyperbole. Why? Now, I don't want to come off like I'm against religious or spiritual poetry but doesn't anyone else realize that that stuff as with love poetry is really, really hard to do? Why? Because the majority of what has been written in poetic form has been along those lines. How do you make it new? Of late I've looked into the glass, but did not see blue skys. --I enjoyed the poem up to this line. It does remind me of another poem that I read about blue eyes (at another poetry site) but that one expanded on this one image and the idea of glass at the same time. I thought that one really got me to see the beauty of blue eyes/blue skies. This one expects me to see it as a given. Just resigned acceptance of the lines, from lifes hardships gone by. --Is it the hardships that have gotten you to see the world with such monotony? Or the monotony as hardship? The above lines don't make that clear for me. Today I've seen two new ones, and heard a fairy lyre. --a fairy lyre? in 1999? Now, you might have something if you actually heard this thing and expanded one poem along those lines. Broken chains, a self made cage, a heart that now repents. --Please explain this line. Rather, I wonder if it might be better to spend the first part of a poem showing the world with these shackles and cages upon you (invisible as they obviously are) and the second part showing the world without them. It might be a good background technique but I don't think it works very well in this poem. And if the days that I have left, are shortened to a page. I'll write a splendid tale of love, with honeyed amber days. --Please don't take offense but 'honeyed amber days' made me think of Jurassic Park. For the two I see reflect to me, a simple country spire. I thank the Master of us all, such work, to him the praise. --I think expand this second to the last line into an extended vision of how you see the world either in those eyes or in your newfound sense of being. I would try to make the last line more subtle. As it is, it reminds me too much of a prayer and you seem to want to emphasize that with the whacky syntax. Well, Cap, as I recall, you seemed quite happy to receive a little criticism now and then. Are you sure you still want it?  Hope you're having fun, Brad |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Gee, thanks Brad. uhh...I think. No really, I didn't think it was even close to right. You've given me a lot to think over. It has been so very long since I have even attempted anything like this. It ain't like horses Slim.(Or Fiction) Cap. Carg. |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Hmmm... Here we go again. Another 4-letter word we ought to avoid, first in our public schools, now also in publicly owned cyber space. What is it? "P R A Y". And even a related 3-letter word is now also thought to be a stumbling block in the enjoyment and true evaluation of poetry, according to some of our best friends. I cry for America... Willem |
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Twin Starz New Member
since 1999-12-10
Posts 1 |
I loved it Captain, so much i took the name! |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Wow! I'm honored, I really don't know what to say. I may have to stick my tongue out at Brad.  Cap. Carg. |
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