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Soul-Sick Tangerine
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Soul-Sick Tangerine |
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armanca Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211Tennessee |
Soul-Sick Tangerine Stained exhaustively popped like a locked lilly Manipulated playground wills a pulverable fruit Rhetorical promises in my mind provoke buried memories safely kept [This message has been edited by armanca (edited 12-08-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Carman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Short and "sweet". I like this one alot. Reminds me of when I was young. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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armanca Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211Tennessee |
Thank you Capt. I appreciate your reply. It is actually about a victim. Someone who will do anything their "love" wants them to. And then brush herself off and go move on when he leaves her. Carman |
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
You think really deep thoughts don't you. That's what reflects to me in your poetry. --A Little Fairy-- |
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armanca Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211Tennessee |
Yes Fairy..I'd say i have my share of deep thoughts. Thank you for responding Carman |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Armanca, First off let me say that my critiques are not personal (nor an attack of any kind) but only reflects my opinions on the written work and not on the author....I mean this is Critical Analysis.  "Soul-Sick Tangerine" "I want to turn you inside out" Okay first line, it's been said before but makes a decent opening line. "...lick you like a lolly pop" Very cliched line....comes off tired...try rearranging words, mix'em up, a cliche can be original if it's re-written, for example, instead of "lick you like a lolly pop", you maybe could say something like. "pop you like a licked lolly"...just an idea and opinion. "Play on you like a playground," Liked the "playground" analogy but I thought the double use of the word "play" was awkward...perhaps consider using another word at the beginning of this line. "and bury you when you become a memory." I liked the complete change in mood for the ending but the double use of the word "you" I found to be distracting. I read your explaination to Capt. Cargo and I didn't get that from the poem. To me it sounded like a victimizer doing as she pleases and forgetting about the person/people she abused. If it was from a victim's point of view shouldn't it kinda read more like, I want to be turned inside out be licked like a lolly pop Be played on like a playground and bury you when you become a memory. Perhaps a longer version of your poem is needed to express your ideas more clearly. Also I didn't understand the relevancy of "Tangerine" in your title, was it just because it sounded right or does it have a specific meaning? Just curious. On your response to Fairy Colours, "Yes Fairy..I'd say i have my share of deep thoughts.", to the frog, the lake is the ocean. Just horsing around ....I'll shut up now  Anyways thank you for the read and take care,Trevor |
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armanca Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211Tennessee |
Trevor.. I appreciate your comments. I value others thoughts. I don't get sore...when someone has criticism. Anyway... I thought about what you said and I re-did the poem. I hope you check back. I liked the "pop you like a licked lolly", and i used it (but i changed the tense). When I wrote this poem. It was like a false sense of strength. When others read it...they see a vicitmizer not a victim. I liked that. But I agree with your other statements about being "cliched". I tried to bring in a meaning for the title "Tangerine". It does have meaning...but nothing i could show in this poem. I hoped i was able to tie it in though. I'm very new at writing...only been at it for 5 months or less. I posted my poems in this forum because i wanted feedback. Positive or Negative...I will learn from both. Again...Thank you. |
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jennyanydots Junior Member
since 1999-07-09
Posts 15 |
I like the new version better than the old! Jen |
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