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a kiss
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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a kiss |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
a kiss is a promise another bond between two where one pledges again to love the other forever each time their lips touch the sublime moment does render a vow to once again put the other's happiness above one's own and all others' every sweet kiss is a bridge of fresh young hope in every age where underneath may lay despair above they know nothing nothing at all of sadness i know this one isn't very good, but i'm in one of those "romantic" moods. i couldn't find any romanti poetry here (i even checked teen poetry, which i believe has a reputation for dwelling on "love"). i had to post my own, but feel free to criticize. ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mya15 Junior Member
since 1999-07-19
Posts 16Sunrise,Fl,33351 |
Roxane, I actually liked your poem alot. I was a bit suprised though that you actually wrote a romaintic poem because I usually read the ones where you write about the truth of life. I know what you mean about teens writing about love alot of the time. Thats basically what I write about because I'm not good at anything else but I think that you are brilliant because you can write beautifully about anything that's on your mind. A talent which I lack very much. Please keep posting here. Mya |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Roxane, I agree with you. I don't think this is very good and I've certainly seen a lot better from you. What's the problem? You've moved into philosophical meandering on the nature of a kiss. Why not write an essay and put it in another forum? Or, think about the 'truth' or relevancy of your statement in the twentieth century Western civilization. Is a kiss really what you're telling us? I think you would agree that it is not. On the other hand, why not expand the poem and make this part of the thoughts of a young, innocent woman who believes that a kiss is all these things only to be brutally awakened when actually kissed. Or, give us a context where such an explanation would work. Just some ideas, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Roxanne: I agree with you and Brad that this is not very good. But I am an incurable optimist and I see a good bit of potential in it. My first criticism is that I don't see that this poem is "going anywhere". Here are a few suggestions off the cuff. Personalize it and give it direction. Just a suggestion: I thought your kiss was a promise, a bond between us, where we pledged to love eachother forever with each soft touch of our lips. Each time I kissed you I rendered another vow to put your happiness above my own. But for you this wasn't so. For me every sweet kiss was a bridge of fresh young hope, but you cast me to the River of Despair that flows underneath. But of this you seem to know nothing, and nothing, at all, of my sadness. I really like the material and I think all it needs is some direction. ------------------ Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
okay brad and co. i suddenly had this urge to attempt a villanelle, but it will be my first, so i decided to just use this poem, and your criticism as a topic. an account of spin the bottle some call a kiss a vow a sublime moment tender a bridge above despair and so i see it now what irony it does render some call a kiss a vow with a curtsy and a bow they line up by gender a bridge above despair i do not yet know how to my heart again surrender some call a kiss a vow their lips they do endow to each and every lender a bridge above despair i send my ugly face now but away the boys send her some call a kiss a vow a bridge above despair well, how was it for a first try? i know that the rhyme sounds pretty forced. any suggestions would be great  ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hummmph I was going to post my own villanelle but Roxane is a hard act to follow! especially as I suspect she composed this in about a tenth time I took with mine. Well done ~thro gritted teeth lol~ P |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I really like what you did with this, Roxanne. Now you realize I have to try writing one of these ... not as easy as a Haiku! Thanks!  The line "what irony it does render" doesn't seem to flow as well as it could, but that is a very minor point. Just a little wording thing also ... "gender" is not a synonym for "sex". Gender refers to masculine/feminine not male/female. Drives me nuts but most normal people probably don't care one way or the other. All in all I really like the changes. The villanelle rolls right off the tongue. Good job. Jim |
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
I've spent a great deal of time reading the poerty here before I came to post comments, and I must say that you are very talented. The first poem didn't seem to suit your style as much as the second. The ending of the first was muddled. The Second one was much more precise on the meaning. Keep writing. --A Little Fairy-- |
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Brie New Member
since 1999-12-06
Posts 8WA |
I agree that the villanelle is better, but I don't hate the first poem either. Maybe I'm an incurable romantic. "I'll give you time to steal my mind, but wait for me." |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
roxane: Hi! The second one was soooo nice. I like! I have to admit the first one was hard for me to follow. As always(when I can find the time0 I love coming here and reading everyones creations. I wish I could find the time to respond to each and every one. I make a special effort to read yours because you were my first friendly "face" here. Now, how do you guys do all of these smiley face things???  ) ??Cap. Carg. |
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