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The Dove
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The Dove |
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jennysbeau1 Junior Member
since 1999-10-21
Posts 10Cornelius, Oregon, USA |
This is a poem I wrote about forever love.... it's for my angel Jennifer The Dove Far off and away in a land called forever, There stands a rock immense as ever. A thousand miles wide and just as deep, This is a rock a thousand miles steep. And once a millinneum a tiny dove takes flight, and to this huge rock this dove will alight. He sharpens his beak on this monster stone, And then soars away flying for home. He flies to this rock every one thousand years to sharpen his beak when a millinneum nears. And when this rock thus has worn away, Just a second of forever has past that day. So when I tell you forever is my love, Just close your eyes and imagine the dove. ------------------ Remember...write what you love..and love what you write...Terry [This message has been edited by jennysbeau1 (edited 11-13-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 jennysbeau1 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
WARNING WARNING: NEGATIVE CRITICISM Feel free to ignore this one if you like and I certainly hope your fiance liked this poem because honestly I did not. I understand that you're just starting to write poetry and probably need encouragement (try to see this as encouragement to write more poems) but come on, we've got to give honest criticism or this forum will not serve its purpose (as I see it anyway). You know I had a friend who is a lawyer at the moment and he wrote a poem one: I saw you naked On a rock Mix that with 'Puff the Magic Dragon' and that's what I see here. You've got a powerful image (and one I'm unfamiliar with) that needs to be developed, developed, developed. Drop the rhyme scheme; it sounds like a nursery rhyme. Get away from the love theme and the whole 'forever' business (I've discussed that elsewhere and if you respond I'll give you my thoughts as well) and write the poem this could be. Your fiance may be your muse (as is my wife in many ways) but don't let that control what you write about. The whole rock business needs to be about something else. Obviously, part of my problem is that I see a powerful idea that is literally tied down by the style. I want a rewrite; I want a rewrite; I want a rewrite. Just an opinion, Brad |
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