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ERICO99
New Member

since 1999-11-13

Posts 3
Manteca,Ca. San Jouaquin

0 posted 1999-11-13 05:47 AM

Beautiful angel
You are still so very young
Creature so small and fragile
Yet so salubriously strong

Beautiful angel
Unfledged you are unable to conceive
At first sight of you in pain
Goes on to haunt the deepest of spheres within me
I beg of you...my sweet little angel
Not to give up your fight
For I could never live the loss of such
One curt little life

Beautiful and still unfallen angel
I knew from the first that you'd be mine
So perfectly precious..so delicately divine
I unfolded into a fool
Aware that I'd been unsifting you
Rather than doing what it was
That I had been well versed to do
And I can cry and cry as I hold onto you
...my beautiful angel

Beautiful little animal
Far from one ran wild
You are my living child
Warm within my wings
As you leave I bleed...under guilt and on trial
Stay with me...little sweet beautiful child

Beautiful eyes
Emerged so rounded with light
In the darkness of a moonless nite
You came to me so unwelcoming
It took some time but you did compromise
My beautiful child

Beautiful angel
I swear...that wherever I am
I'll do anything that I can
To help you when you stand able

Beautiful angel
My tears Fall with an endless fury
In the bitter darkness your strength was stole
Taken into the cold-hair matted and tangled
Beautiful angel only six-weeks old
Beautiful angel...please don't go

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-11-13 10:19 AM

This has the potential to be a very powerful poem but I found some of the diction to be jarring.

'one curt little life' -- just doesn't work for me and 'cry and cry as I hold onto you' could do with some rewriting as well.

On the other hand, the overall feel to the poem is smooth and confident (which is probably why some of the rough spots stand out so clearly with me). Normally, I don't like angels in poems because, well, they are used too much but here I thought it actually added to the strength of the poem.

Avoid the rhyming parts. They distract from the message and power of this poem.

Just an opinion,
Brad

ERICO99
New Member

since 1999-11-13

Posts 3
Manteca,Ca. San Jouaquin

2 posted 1999-11-16 10:45 PM

Brad,
Thanx for the info. please e-mail me at Nixluv @aol.com and leave your address.

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

3 posted 1999-11-16 11:07 PM

i agree with brad that this poem has great potential, but there is something in particular that i would like to point out.
it seems to me that some of the metaphors are a little mixed. you waver between describing the situation with the child, and giving promises to the child, which in my opinion takes away from the intensity of the emotions. i don't really understand the beautiful little animal part, but maybe that is me and you could perhaps explain it to me.
well, those were just my thoughts.

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