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my sundays
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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my sundays |
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Patrick B Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 58uk |
Heavy stone steps that lead to heaven minus the angels wooden benches,flat and squat like open coffins awaiting godless people feign adoration of a statue in their own image painted glass honors the charade lifeless eyes watch on as his name is slandered with scant justification words fall from the mouth weighed down by the years forming stagnant pools conviction plays her last card as eyes slam shut the search begins a fruited tree awaits. [This message has been edited by Patrick B (edited 11-12-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Patrick B - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
I really like this...it is so dense and really hits hard, the visual images were amazing and thank you. Ah the imagery, I might just go on about it for a minute, the descriptions are very good, and they really give you the impression you are there, not involved, but mabey watching from above and really feeling the pain which seems somehow not confined to one person. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
patrick-- very well done. i agree with jamaicabradley entirely. you might want to think about adding some punctuation; for example, it isn't exactly clear whether the line "with scant justification" refers to the slander in line before it or the words falling from the mouth in the following line. i think it refers to the slander, but without the occasional period or comma one can never tell. your last line was wonderful, i thought, surprising and powerful. overall, a very nice piece. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Wow, the flow of this is about as smooth as silk. It packs a punch in a suttle way. I found the imagery to be very good. Not sure I can say anything critical other than to add a bit of puncuation Ruth ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Patrick B Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 58uk |
Thanks for the feedback all,I never noticed the punctuation as I posted it,that line does look a bit lost without it,thanks for the tip |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the last two lines but in the end I felt that the poem was lacking in complexity. I'm a big fan of abstract amiguity (nothing is ever good or bad) and like the bench coffins you mention this one seems lacking in any real vibrancy. Your picture seems a bit one sided to me. I'd be happier if you at least tried to show the stated reasons for going to church. Of course, I suppose you didn't right this one to please me now did you?  Brad |
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Patrick New Member
since 1999-11-17
Posts 3UK |
Hmmmm I'm not sure my reason's for going to church are relevant to the poem,if I posted a poem about a shop or war I wouldn't paticularly state my reasons for going just my observations when I got there.I'm always trying to improve(aint we all :-0)and appreciate the comments. |
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