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Critical Analysis #1

The Assault

DramaMama
Junior Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 47
Louisiana

0 posted 1999-11-08 06:59 AM

THE ASSAULT

words that wound
pounce upon my tender psyche
no construction in this criticism
all pomposity and righteousness

donning Kevlar
venturing out unarmed
offering exposed flesh
to the critic’s knife

peeling back tender layers
uncovering the visceral within
pity this poem-maker
her compulsive folly

to assume her words
could inspire

1999, PHC

Minterra
New Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 8
Rochester, NY, United States

1 posted 1999-11-08 09:14 AM

Cute poem to put up for critique

I usually have a want to capitalize words and put in punctuation, but I think that in this poem it fits well, especially given the "no construction" line.

I would say that the "donning Kevlar" might not fit with the rest of your weak and vulnerable portrayal. Where you want to say that anything is going to hurt you, you might also want to put up little show of defense.

Also, I would put a paragraph break between

>uncovering the visceral within
>pity this poem-maker

and instead combine the 'pity' lines with the last paragraph.

Hope that the knife wasn't too sharp

DramaMama
Junior Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 47
Louisiana

2 posted 1999-11-08 09:36 PM

Thanks for the critique. I'll rethink the Kevlar line... maybe "sans Kevlar"?

The other suggestion is a good point.
Thanks.

Minterra
New Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 8
Rochester, NY, United States

3 posted 1999-11-09 07:18 AM

That, or you could possibly have her don something that would make a weak defense, showing that she does try, but it still goes through regardless.

If you had "sans Kevlar", you might want to make it more apparent that she's either naked or little clothed, because of the "exposed flesh" part.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 1999-11-11 05:04 AM

This was fun to read. I enjoyed it very much. I don't have much else to say right now. Must be in one of those moods, you know. Oh well, maybe I can start a fire next time.

Brad

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