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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sisters |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA 
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Thrown into the collegiate pit, we were branded urban girls wiping the adolescent lipstick from our small-town faces. We were sisters for a year, twins passing purple notes on heart-shaped pink paper. We rode the Super-Tramp highway to social-consciousness and drank fraternal beer. We were younger then, when poetry fluttered on butterfly wings. Memories still sit in the shaded orchard with Professor Published 9000 Works refining myopic lust in rasping Dylan Thomas verse. We blushed, museum quality renditions of innocense wrapped in Lebanese cloth, heads together listening, licking our giggling glossed lips. I found your poems scrawled in pastel shadows, time-faded, everlasting scent of Love's Baby Soft, dreaming at the bottom of a dusty laquered box. I found our notes, with my name carved in Arabic a hundred times, Folded secrets shared between sisters of 1979; And I cried, reciting baby blue anna-pear-peck a million times. ~haze 11/04/99 NOTE-*"anna-pear-peck" is the English way to say "I love you" in Arabic...roughly translated anyway. [This message has been edited by haze (edited 11-04-1999).] [This message has been edited by haze (edited 11-04-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Haze McElhenny - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Fabulous! I was there! So artfully written it made me relive the late 70's all over again (that was a horrid experience!). Brava! ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, I hope you don't mind me segmenting you poem for critiquing purposes.... "Thrown into the collegiate pit, we were branded urban girls wiping the adolescent lipstick from our small-town faces." Excellent opening but consider removing "we were" from the second line because you use it again a couple of lines later. "We were sisters for a year, twins passing purple notes on heart-shaped pink paper." The purple notes on pink paper confuses me. Does the purple mean something else? If not it seems hard to be pink and purple at the same time. "We rode the Super-tramp highway to social-consciousness and drank fraternal beer." I usually dislike references to names of Rock groups but it works in your poem, probably because a reader can also interpret it as a double meaning as well, ie. a sexual awakening, though I'm not sure if that was your intention. "We were younger then, when poetry fluttered on butterfly wings." I thought the "poetry fluttered....butterfly wings" came off a little cliched and didn't seem to fit with the poem. "Memories still sit in the shaded orchard with Professor Published 9000 Works refining myopic lust in rasping Dylan Thomas verse." Good solid lines although I don't know what a "Professor Published...." is....and who is this Dylan Thomas you speak of  "We blushed, museum quality renditions of innocense wrapped in Lebanese cloth, heads together listening, licking our giggling glossed lips." I really liked these lines a lot....painted a nice picture. "I found your poems scrawled in pastel shadows, time-faded, everlasting scent of Love's Baby Soft, dreaming at the bottom of a dusty laquered box. I found our notes, with my name carved in Arabic a hundred times, Folded secrets shared between sisters of 1979;" Another really excellent string of lines...well done. "And I cried, reciting baby blue anna-pear-peck a million times." And a solid ending too. I must say that this was a very enjoyable read and a well written poem with some nice imagry. Thanks and take care, Trevor |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Trevor...No I do not mind the segregation for C&C... Hack away... Dylan Thomas was Bob Dylan's Maternal Grandfather (joke-I'm Kidding-REALLY) Dylan Thomas... If you really want to know... Check this http://www.poets.org/LIT/poet/dthomfst.htm "Do not go gentle into that good night" oh...you need to be a high school girl of 15, thrown into studying lit at a university to know who "Professor Published 9000 Works" He was a professor at the university, published in a zillion lit mags, hi-browed journals, et al. My friend and I were lured to an orchard by him and his seductive renderings of Dylan Thomas. It was a sort of sexual awakening...we discovered sexual feelings for this myopic predator because of his voice and passion in reading. Nothing happened, we retained our giggling innocense, but I cannot forget his voice...and let me tell you...If a guy wants to seduce a woman...He should read Dylan Thomas passionately...the words flow and caress... Be the subject death or not...it flows endlessly, a gentle river...Oh enuff... We listened to SuperTramp continuously...so whether you like it or no...it has meaning (great meaning) to those who have been there, done that.... C&C anytime...Love your work...and look forward to more...I also love your comments...Enjoy Dylan...TA ~haze |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
haze-- yep, i have to say you are one fantastic writer. this poem, "share cropping" and "debs '80" are very, very good. but you know that...lol. i agree with trevor's comments (btw, nice criique, there, trevor!) except in one respect. i liked the lines "when poetry fluttered on butterfly wings"; i think it suits what you are describing there, a time of innocence. the only thing i would even consider changing here is your opening line. i think i know what you mean by being "thrown into the collegiate pit," it's a common enough saying (perhaps a cliche?), but it seems more appropriate for a poem about the struggle of adolescence. your poem here, to me, at least, is more of an elegy of early love. i don't know. i could go either way on it (being in the "collegiate pit" was, no doubt, an important ingredient in your relationship with your "sister"), but an opening line that was a little more in character with the remainder of the poem might work better. just a thought. overall, though, an excellent piece. thanks for sharing it with us! [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-04-1999).] |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Hi haze (don't i know that name from another website?) This is an absolutely wonderful piece of work. Your imagery and references work very well... you do an excellent job of concisely painting a picture for your audience. I'm not going to do a critique because I think this piece works fine already (although Trevor's comments were interesting and you might try a couple of his suggestions to see which you like better). If it were my poem, though (and I really wish it were), I'd leave well enough alone. Congrats! & Bravo! footnote: Trevor, Trevor, Trevor, my sweet young sandwich maker! Please do yourself a favor and explore Dylan Thomas! You surprise me sometimes.... everybody must become friends with Dylan Thomas! Especially those of us who enjoy reading and hope to be writing good verse.... & thanks for the link, haze  dp |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Okay...Haze and Doreen, Let me clear one thingy-gingy-wingy up here and there, not that it should really matter but.....I do know who Dylan Thomas is, though I will confess I've never really read much by him.....I was just horsing around (or as the horses call it "Just Trevoring around" ) because I think it's safe to say the majority of poetry fans know who Thomas is/was, etc.. However I'm glad my lame attempt at humor failed because Haze gave me the link to a place that I did not know existed, THANKS HAZE, and I began reading some of the works of famous poets..... see everyone, I am an idiot sauvante (sp?) anyways I won't take up anymore space that should be used for critiques rather than my failing standup comedy stage Take care everyone..... and Doreen.....it seems that the talk of a certain sandwich a month or so ago has awakened a hunger within you |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Tevor- Duh! Geesh...40 wacks for me! I never thought I'd see the day that I didn't catch the funny part from Trevor... I knew you couldn't not know who dylan thomas is... it couldn't be so... yep, guess I was just looking for an excuse to throw in a sandwich comment... i must be starved to death... *blush* |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Haze, Since I'm a bit late on my replies here, there's not much I can say about this one other than what has already been hashed and rehased over. I do like this poetry, the imagery makes it. I can see, here and feel everything in it. I do suggest that you make one line: "with Professor Published 9000 Works" a little more workable for your readers, they have not experienced this as you and your friend have. Perhaps something as simple as with worldly college professor |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
Perhaps punctuation would help? Professor Published-9000-works Just a thought(to borrow a phrase from Brad)... Also, would there be a way to include the Arabic translation of anna-pear-peck in the poem, so that the reader would not need a footnote? Just another thought... Pat C. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I picked up on Professor Published 9000 immediately.. LOL... true wit as well as grit kid... My only critiqe -- is you should work out a way to explain the arabic translation anna pear peck within the work itself instead of paranthetically.  How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it. -Marcus Aurelius |
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