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Fighting Crystal Dreams
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fighting Crystal Dreams |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Streaming misted air, marbled, mirrored bar Sounds of a waterfall almost seen in dark sheen Behind bottles encased in soft, golden light. You, in White shine, nobility caressing glass with clearly reddened Fingertips, crossed, unbarren legs in a midnight blue dress Eyes, in dark shine, staring at the reflection in black, Hair, tightly held, redirecting straight rays of too little light In a quiet, upscale Tokyo jazz club. Shiver in the cold, Reveling distance Of skin touching skin. Quiet, unfolding '30's torch tune, deadly sincere, tuxedoed servers, Underneath ceiling fans, moving slowly, standing to attend to silent, Averted eyed couples in momentary cubical memoried isolation. Johnny Walker, pouring mozaic of lost screaming souls Escaping drowning bodies in frozen concentration camps. Swallow the scotched ice, fired through the body to extremes, Controlled closed eyes, fisted hands slamming the bar, Gasping, silent white streams of deadly air attempting to escape Another hope shattering drunken night in an upscale, Tokyo jazz club. Shiver in the cold, Reveling distance Of skin touching skin. Hunger from the cold pit, prying open, invading clouds, As I take the glittering knife and puncture my arm, a cool Line of dark crimson rivulets flow to stop the pain, ecstatic Feeling of freedom destroyed as the drops become golden laced Ice from a glass. No more hunger, cold in the dark night, Crystal laced visions of you, turning from reflections to me, Red laden mouth, slightly open, desperate eyes preying, for escape From the powerless vacuity of life in an upscale, Tokyo jazz club. Shiver in the cold, Reveling distance Of skin touching skin. *I do not consider this a good poem. It was written several years ago but in many ways I consider it my breakthrough poem because it was the first one I wrote after I decided to work on poetry more seriously. Some of you may notice that I've used some words and phrases that I rail against now. I wonder what I'll rail against three years from now? Attack, attack, attack -- take no prisoners in your critiques. Of course, if you like it . . .  [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 11-03-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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For_Never Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 125Cincinnati, oh, United States of America |
Well... I liked the context... but...beat seemed wrong...but who am I to critque? oh, and let me thank you for editing my work, "She", I edited, and sent it back out... and if you would, re-read it to see if I still need more improvments? Thanks, Edward A. Beerman |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
brad, have your poem in my word processor, just ready to rip it to shreds....lol...not really but I did copy it so I could study, will reply more later would help me to understand it better if you could clarify the 3 repeating lines though. I don't understand ...distance Of skin touching skin. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
the thing that i liked about this poem was the feeling of being in the jazz club, the coolness, the colors. i liked that. there is, however, a lot of repition in this poem that i don't really understand, although i probably should and also a lot of instances in which it seems you are using too many words where fewer would do. i only say that because i did stumble over certain parts. (of course, i've already had my lesson in simplicity  ) however, i think that the poem was a pretty interesting read. it gives me something to think about. p.s. i knew that the horrible acrostic would intice you to post. |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
I love the content...and the imagery but it is tooo heavy...lighten the load, this piece deserves the work...you have the makings of a great song here underneath... |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, I like the imagery you used in this one, there were some excellent lines involved in the making it. There are a few places where I also have to just sit and shake my head because I get lost in what you are trying to show me with this. One of those being the three repeating lines that seem so out of place here. Want to explain this one a bit...give me some insight? The flow doesn't work for me. I didn't care for the changes in tone and form in this one. But, I think it has the ability to be a great poem with a bit of work. ------------------ Alis volat propriis |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who have replied. I have to admit I'm pleasantly surprised that people seem to think this has potential. For-Never: You're right about the beat; I went with pure feel on this one. Roxane: Just remember this one was your fault. haze: interesting point. Have to think about it. Hoot and Iloveit: Those three lines are an attempt to echo the unthought in the situation. Quite simply, sex without love. There are moments, I think, of attraction in ice and coldness, of no commitment, of no real feeling other than instinct. Two people sitting at a bar (a conglomerate of real places I've visited), both lonely, both feel an inevitable one night stand coming, not out of love, but out of situational instinct. The woman is passive, unsure and therefore more enticing, a challenge (and to some extent the one in control). The man is fighting his attraction but the very fight leads him directly to the same routine. There are no illusions of romance only the illusion that we can avoid 'irrepressible desires' by ignoring them. Yet, while it is not a poem of love, it is a poem that asks how prevalent such situations are with only the mask of love. I was also asking if such situations are necessarily wrong? The emptiness we all feel at times can be temporarily filled with acts such as this -- a false solution perhaps -- but I nevertheless find myself attracted to it. Just one more point: the concentration camp stuff comes from the idea that alcohol ads have subliminal messages of sex and death in the twirling mixture of ice and alcohol in the glass. The male character is trying to drink the emptiness away, trying to get outside his own feelings. I was trying to suggest that the only way to get outside oneself is to die and given the two options presented, it might be better to go for human contact (not love) rather than death. Does that make any sense? Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Yes dear friend I shall "let slip the dogs of war!" and attack "Streaming misted air, marbled, mirrored bar Sounds of a waterfall almost seen in dark sheen" The "streaming misted air" comes off a little ho-key. "Behind bottles encased in soft, golden light. You, in White shine, nobility caressing glass with clearly reddened Fingertips, crossed, unbarren legs in a midnight blue dress" Pretty good stuff....the only suggestion I have is maybe consider losing "nobility" and change "caressing" to "caressed". "Eyes, in dark shine, staring at the reflection in black, Hair, tightly held, redirecting straight rays of too little light In a quiet, upscale Tokyo jazz club." I like this section of the first stanza as well except for "dark shine"....used "dark" only a few lines ago, seemed overdone. "Shiver in the cold, Reveling distance Of skin touching skin." I will comment on this/these stanza's at the end. Quiet, unfolding '30's torch tune, deadly sincere, tuxedoed servers, Underneath ceiling fans, moving slowly, standing to attend to silent," Consider removing "30's"...seemed unnecessary in describing the musical atmosphere....torch tunes I found to be a sufficient descrip. Also consider omitting "to" before silent....might give more meaning to "silent" "Averted eyed couples in momentary cubical memoried isolation." Good line but hard read....my tongue is still knotted "Johnny Walker, pouring mozaic of lost screaming souls Escaping drowning bodies in frozen concentration camps. Swallow the scotched ice, fired through the body to extremes, Controlled closed eyes, fisted hands slamming the bar, Gasping, silent white streams of deadly air attempting to escape Another hope shattering drunken night in an upscale, Tokyo jazz club." I hate to sound harsh but a lot of this sounds cliched and melo-dramatic, maybe tone it down a bit....dunno... Shiver in the cold, Reveling distance Of skin touching skin. "Hunger from the cold pit, prying open, invading clouds, As I take the glittering knife and puncture my arm, a cool Line of dark crimson rivulets flow to stop the pain, ecstatic Feeling of freedom destroyed as the drops become golden laced Ice from a glass. No more hunger, cold in the dark night, Crystal laced visions of you, turning from reflections to me, Red laden mouth, slightly open, desperate eyes preying, for escape From the powerless vacuity of life in an upscale, Tokyo jazz club." Same applies with this stanza....a little too much cliches and drama. I think maybe sterilizing some of the lines might fit the atmosphere of a jazz club, a more "chilled" atmosphere......or start a little more mellow in the third stanza and then wait until the second last stanza to hit the reader hard with the emptiness stuff....it might help more accurately capture the progression of this line of thinking, ie. more positive at the beginning of the night to a drunken hunt for brief happiness (which is what I thought you were trying to portray anyways, just thought you hit the reader to quick without enough build up) "Shiver in the cold, Reveling distance Of skin touching skin." I didn't fully understand this line until I read your explanation. I had thought you were using "distance" to explain a total closeness, rather than a mental distance and a physical closeness, though I did think it was just a form of escapism you were talking about. "*I do not consider this a good poem. It was written several years ago but in many ways I consider it my breakthrough poem because it was the first one I wrote after I decided to work on poetry more seriously." I hope you don't consider it a bad poem either Pretty good stuff. Just thought some of the spacing, puncuation and the odd line could use a little tweaking....great theme and I liked the reoccuring stanza."Some of you may notice that I've used some words and phrases that I rail against now. I wonder what I'll rail against three years from now?" "Bleaping" hypocrite Well there you have it from the same mouth that went down on the Queen of England.... OOOOUUUUUUCCCHHHH!!! Did I just say that?????? Anyways buddy-ol-pal-o-mine, enjoyed the read and sorry I haven't been around much to help keep ya in line Take care,Trevor |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
Hello Brad, I was reading some of the other comments and you had written that you wrote this poem more from feel than beat but isn't there sapposed to be beat in the feel? Anyway, I liked the poem, but I agree it was a bit heavy, I think with a few changes it could be a nice read. Oh, and what are these words and phrases you rail against now... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: I too liked the poem but it took work for me to get there. What made it difficult to read for me was your use of an overwhelming number of descriptive words. I thought (and perhaps this is a handicap associated with the left-brained) that the words actually obscured your poem's meaning. Don't get me wrong, I believe your word choice set the mood of the poem well but, at the same time, I think the same word choice made the message of the poem difficult to discern. I am new enough at this to know the value of that "break-through" poem. I, for one, am glad that you found it (even if it did make me dizzy at times ). Many thanks.------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Trevor, You can do better than that. You are being far too nice. (: Jim, if you're left-brained then you are right handed. I'm left handed which means I'm in the right mind. I just have a hell of a time trying to explain to everyone else that I'm the one who is right and everyone else is wrong. jamaicabradley (can you please find a nickname), hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole -- I hate it and this poem is filled with it. Specific words include 'soul' and 'dream'. If you actually use those words, my thinking is that you can immediately use something else to better effect. But what do I know, Brad PS Seriously looking at this poem for a rewrite. Thanks for the help. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well Brad, jbouder just put my problem to words, I hadn't realized it before. I too am left brained, and agreed totally with his post, there were so many descriptive words that the meaning was almost lost. Now I understand why we have that more and less description problem in the different ways we write *big grin* I do like the poem, and it does have great images, maybe just a little less complicated would make the message clearer |
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