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allergic to everything
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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allergic to everything |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
and when i step outside i catch myself before i breathe i let not one harsh element infiltrate and offend me i'll let you know what you're doing bothers me (even if you didn't want opinions) and when i look outside the sun seems too bright for me blot it out with ridicule even if no one else can see i'm sure to go inject a little godliness into you (sometimes religion leaves you pinioned) and when i take medicine it's in the form of a psalm i'm still allergic to everything i just try to stay calm watch what you say make sure you don't injure my frality (even if you didn't ask for opinions) ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I'm surprised it took this long for someone to reply to this one, roxane. Your word choice throughout the poem is excellent. I particularly like "I let not one harsh element infiltrate and offend me" and "sometimes religion leaves you pinioned". Gives me something to chew on without choking on its depth, if you understand what I mean. The poem seems almost "musical" in its flow. Very fine job, roxane. ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I like this, I would suggest a few breaks in it and possible the deletion of the "and" in a few sentances something like this: when i step outside i catch myself before i breathe i let not one harsh element infiltrate and offend me i'll let you know if what you're doing bothers me (even if you didn't want opinions) when i look outside the sun seems too bright for me blot it out with ridicule even if no one else can see i'm sure to go inject a little godliness into you (sometimes religion leaves you pinioned) when i take medicine it's in the form of a psalm i'm still allergic to everything i just try to stay calm watch what you say make sure you don't injure my frality (even if you didn't ask for opinions) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I've read this one a good three or four times now and it's taken me a little time to say anything interesting about it. I agree with Jim that it is a very enjoyable piece but for some reason seems ellusive. Does 'frality' mean frailty? favorite lines: i just try to stay calm/watch what you say/ make sure you don't injure my frailty -- I think this a whirlwind of voices and mirrors, talking to yourself and someone else at the same time. I like that. I think the only problem I have is the opening lines just seem a bit far fetched (and you've read what I've written so am I to say something like that  ). This may just be a personality thing but I've always thought that I've wanted to be infected, infiltrated, and offended. I call it living.Your friend, Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
brad- i tried from the view point of the typical pro censorship conservative, yet i still tried to be a little sarcastic. i guess that the lines in the parenthesis are probably the logical thoughts that this person has, all the while telling everyone not to say anything they don't agree with and not to upset them. what do you think i could do to improve it? |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
roxanne-- this is a very nice piece! i especially like the lines "and when i take medicine / it's in the form of a psalm / i'm still allergic to everything / i just try to stay calm", and the repetition of the parenthetical phrase. i like hoot's suggestion of breaking it into three sections or verses, though (you've crafted it in nice 7 line parts anyway). and even if you didn't ask for my opinion on this one, i'm gonna tell ya anyway: very well done! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I admit I completely missed that pro-censorship conservative type -- I actually pictured someone like David Bowie in the Man who fell to Earth or a THX1138. My question, I guess, would be does the poem sound like the person you're trying to mimic? Watch Jerry Falwell or somebody and ask yourself would he say these things? I would argue that if that was your intention than you've put too much of your own views in the poem. This actually gives it an interesting, surreal effect which I like. What's the greatest satire in the English language in your opinion? Swiftly make up your mind, please.  Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
brad there is a short story that for some reason i can't think of who the author is and it is about how in the future, people are equalized. example: if a person is very pretty, they have to wear a mask. if a perosn is very strong, they have to wear weights to hinder their movements. god, i can't think of who wrote, but it was very good. in the end, these two people who are both strong and beautiful throw off their weights and masks, etc and start dancing this beautiful insane ballet. unfortunately, this is crime and the government kills both of them. i'll try to find out who wrote it, but i can't think of it now. i'd have to say that another classic satire is "the secret life of walter mitty" and for some reason that author's name escapes me too. that story is probably the definitive satire though. oh well, i would like to avoid posting anymore on my own poems, so i'll leave this alone. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It's Kurt Vonnegut. It's a great story. And please, please don't be afraid to post on your own poems. Nothing wrong with a little self promotion as far as I can tell -- again, I see this as conversation and it's your poem so we need you here. Oh, and I was thinking of "A Modest Proposal" -- Jonathan Swift but I love Kurt's story as well. Thanks, Brad |
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Vers Librist Junior Member
since 1999-11-10
Posts 16 |
I really like the tone of your poem. |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
The name of the Kurt Vonnegut story is "Harrison Bergeron," and it's one of my favorite satires as well. |
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