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Time (Just for Fun)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Time (Just for Fun) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
My wife had placed a tray With beer and peanuts near The papers needing marks. A long and angry leer Disturbed my work for school And forced to look at her, Was told that I was cruel To proof mistakes for them When Sunday came for fun. "Of course, I won't condemn Your job or life, the time You take away from me Because the one who I'm Supposed to be with here Continues working there." She quickly drank the beer And turned again to look At me, "I'm drunk, I'm drunk." She jumped on me and took My pen away, undressed And took her time today. God, I love being married. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
like a well constructed brick wall |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well, I agree with starchild, I do like it, very nice, only chink I see in the wall is in the line "and forced to look at her" somehow it doesn't read right to me, seems the "to" is out of place and maybe an "a" would read better......  but I like it, and yep was a fun read loved the way you worded the verses, especially this one ... Because the one who I'm Supposed to be with here Continues working there." [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-27-1999).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
This is a nice peak into another side of you Brad...enjoyable read Interesting format you chose for this one, it works well |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- very, very nice! i love your subtle rhyming scheme, with the middle line of each verse rhyming with the first line of the following verse. and the last line of the last full verse, ending in "today," rhyming with the very first line, ending with "tray," did you intend that as well, to bring the poem back around full circle? you probably did, lol. (that's always bothered me about frost's "stopping by woods on a snowy evening", which has a similar rhyming scheme; "miles to go before i sleep" doesn't connect back to "whose woods these are i think i know".) anyway, very well done. my only quibble is with the use of "because" in the 5th verse... it seems like the reason why your wife won't condemn your job or your life is because you continue to work and be away from her, which just doesn't make any sense at all. i am, quite possibly, missing something, but that's how it reads to me. now let me get this straight... you read and write poetry all day, fool around on the computer, have a wife who serves you beer and peanuts (ON A TRAY, no less) and throws herself at you for an afternoon of slow, passionate lovemaking.... yes, i can see why you love being married, lol. perhaps this poem should be retitled, "it's good to be the king", lol. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).] [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who responded. Glad people are taking it in the spirit it was meant. jenni, both my wife and I share an ironic sense of humor (the lowest form of comedy I was once told) and that's what I was trying to get across with the 'because'. The 'here' and 'there' (We were sitting next to each other) is meant to emphasize that. She read your comment about the 'king' and laughed hilariously. Excuse me, but I have some chores to do right now.  Brad |
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
i don't think it is a bad poem, brad, it's just that that type of poetry doesn't move me personally. |
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donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
Brad, I wanted to tell you this one made me laugh out loud. Good work bringing humor (and LOVE)into a scene that could easily have been stressful. donovan |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Brad, Nice forum you have here! I enjoyed reading your poem! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just wanted to say thanks to those who have responded. Marq, we need you here (although a lot of people seem to be worried about the Scroll right now. Why is that?). Donovan, This is a true story so it's hard for me to see it as stressful. Do you have a poem to contrast this experience? |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Hi Brad. Yep, it's me, Doreen. Here I am to critique a poem, believe it or not, and one of yours, to boot. Umm... ok, where do I start. This is really cute. God I hate that word 'cute'. Alright, here are my thoughts about this poem... I could picture it. I was there in the living room with you seeing your wife... well, actually, when I read it, I was the wife because it all sounded so familiar. And I read it through to the end and had a great laugh, then thought about what a lucky wife you must have to put down such thoughts into poetry after she jumps your bones. The first time I read it, I honestly didn't even get the rhyme scheme, but I felt like something was off in the flow of it. So, I read it again, and then I got the rhyme scheme. I guess the way you have the rhyming varying from verse to verse was intentional? (I'm sorry, but if there was a pattern to it, I couldn't see it). I guess, in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I thought the rhyming was unnecessary and almost detracted from the poem because I had to take time to try to figure it out. Other than that, I really liked this. It brightened up my day. Now get to work with those chores! I'm sure she's got more peanuts and beer for you (among other things).... but you're going to have to earn it! hehee doreen |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
Ha, ha, ha. Nine years and two children after,what do you think now? what a light hearted cheering poem. Love the read. exp. when the author do not write this (clear) way lately. Lovely indeed.  |
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