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Swallowed Ring
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Swallowed Ring |
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sparrow Junior Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 33 |
Go to the color Paris but beware Violet doesn't feel Jane meets John on occasion The nasty word is two Up, the next level but beware The stairs go down, also Dimonds slip on occasion Smiles sometimes break I already posted this one in the other forum, but I'd like to see if anyone can find any holes, or improvements for it before I put it in any books. (if you don't understand it, I put a break-down of sorts in the Open Poetry #3 forum) ------------------ Sparrow Hawk Jester of http://www.scribedesigns.com/archflambeoth/ |
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| © Copyright 1999 sparrow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This poem doesn't really work for me very well. I read your breakdown and it still doesn't work for me. At best, it seems to be a tease of what could be a really good poem. Nothing wrong with a collage of images but this is just too random for my taste. Try connecting the images and showing a little more context to at least give the reader a chance. This reminds me of what some people might call the 'deconstructionist' school of poetry: For example, a poem called China is filled with random images that make no sense until you are told that all the author is doing is describing the pictures in a book called 'China'. I was even less interested in that poem when I knew the 'trick'. Great opening first line though. What are Dimonds? (or is that supposed to be diamonds?) Just an opinion, Brad |
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sparrow Junior Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 33 |
I wasn't really trying for random, just... vague I guess. This one is sort of odd because I thought of it while driving in my car, and as soon as I got home I ran out and wrote it down. If I ever get the chance, I'll go and try to make a new version, as I guess I agree with you, it does need to be a bit easier to understand, and yes, you are totally right on that last bit, I am notorious for my bad spelling. ------------------ Sparrow Hawk Jester of http://www.scribedesigns.com/archflambeoth/ |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
If you do decide to rewrite it, I think you should keep the first stanza. I really like the whole stanza and not just the first line. When I read it, I see a poem about two people named Paris and Violet. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I understand some of your meanings here, but think that for the most part, they are lost in the vagueness. Yes, marriage does turn sour, things do go bad and diamonds are definately not forever. Develope that idea into something that people can understand a little more easily. I think the form you choose was good and could really work in this piece. I do agree with Brad in the fact that developed, the fist stanza would make a great poem and I would like to see it in this original form as it is unique. |
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