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the dead beat
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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the dead beat |
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
the dead beat the heavy heat the far cry from the old streets the old way the golden days the facist way the dead rage the family brutality the elite the american dream the cold sweat the heart attack the broken back the overworked the underpaid the too young to get laid the the teenage birth the hush hush the bright white snow that turns to mush the people dying on the street the blind eye the dead beat |
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| © Copyright 1999 starchild - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mywildlove New Member
since 1999-10-25
Posts 3 |
This is Ron - if you have something useful to say, about the poetry and not the person, we'll be happy to hear it... [This message has been edited by rcarnell (edited 10-25-1999).] |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well not sure what ron's message is about, but as a commentary, I really liked this poem, you would think that starting most of the lines with "the" would be distracting, but instead you used it for emphasis and I really like the way you broke it up with one different line here and there I like it, a lot  [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-25-1999).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
okay...although a little unusual, with a few words, this one can work first, your flow is a bit disrupted in line 3 "the far cry from the old streets" what about seperating it into two lines the far cry from the old streets I think if it were me, I might finish it off with something like the blind eye that doesn't see the dead beat actually this poem is one that makes the reader stop and think for a moment and ask themselves some questions eluded to, but not directly stated in the poem |
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
i wrote the dead beat because i thought it would be a cool title and then had to write something along those lines. i chose to write with pace so that it would be considered more than the rest of my stuff.however, i deliberately broke it up, using: 'far cry from the old streets', 'brutality' etc. so that instead of being able to read it by the beat the reader actually had to read the words that broke the meter or the structure and so actually saw what it said |
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misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
i actually think removing "the" adds more impact to your poem. the dead beat (slight revisions) heavy heat far cry from old streets old way golden days facist way dead rage family brutality elite american dream cold sweat heart attack broken back overworked underpaid too young to get laid teenage birth hush hush bright white snow that turns to mush people dying on the street blind eye to dead beat even if you disagree - i think the original is a good one. |
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