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Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

0 posted 2001-07-29 10:31 PM

Before she cried, before I knew she knew
She could begin to grasp the world, I saw
Her dark round eyes explore the room, a few
non-views perhaps -- a lip, a nose or jaw.
In an unrealized web, dynamic force
Must have inserted knowledge modern thought
Can not describe for when she let the course
Of vision pause, they rested on what I sought
Without the knowledge reason should have given,
I fought between fair fear and fear of fate,
Between a scream of joy or fear of hidden
nueroses I could not emasculate.
After she cried, I knew what all men knew --
A first child brings out a fantastic view.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-07-30 10:37 AM

Hey Brad,

First off I have to say I enjoyed this even though I haven't yet been able to absorb it all. I saw it last night but it was just too late to try commenting. Now I'm surprised to find that no one else has said anything either.

You have some really deep observations. I found the opening particualrly strong

quote:
Before she cried, before I knew she knew
She could begin to grasp the world

but only after the second or third reading. I didn't identify with it until I understood the subject better.

I'm still not sure I really understand this line though,

quote:
I fought between fair fear and fear of fate,

but strangely, I like the alliteration this time.

Finally, the closing is great.

quote:
After she cried, I knew what all men knew --
A first child brings out a fantastic view.

I think I asked you once before if this was your first and I don't think you answered directly.

Thanks for the read.

Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 07-30-2001).]

polarflame
New Member

since 2001-07-30

Posts 9
Az, USA

2 posted 2001-07-30 05:21 PM

Hey there Brad... interesting poem. But you might want to do something to avoid cliches and abstractions:

quote:

Before she cried, before I knew she knew
She could begin to grasp the world, I saw
Her dark round eyes explore the room, a few
non-views perhaps -- a lip, a nose or jaw.

>> I percieve her to be a new born baby... perhaps?? I like the way you describe her innocence.

quote:

In an unrealized web, dynamic force
Must have inserted knowledge modern thought

>> "in an unrealized web, dynamic force"
try reading that over and over again... it doesn't sound right. Right?

quote:

Can not describe for when she let the course
Of vision pause, they rested on what I sought
Without the knowledge reason should have given,

>> hmmm... it's kinda hard to capture what you're trying to convey here. Perhaps you should try getting rid of abstractions.

quote:

I fought between fair fear and fear of fate,
Between a scream of joy or fear of hidden
nueroses I could not emasculate.

>> by the way, it's spelled neuroses. I guess it's just a typo.

~Neuroses means: Any of various mental or emotional disorders, such as hypochondria or neurasthenia, arising from no apparent organic lesion or change and involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears, but without psychotic symptoms such as delusions or hallucinations. No longer in scientific use.

>> you convey here that you're having emotional disorders. But come to think of it. Neurosis is too much to convey anxiety of seeing a new born... i don't think you'll go insane to see your baby...

~and to emasculate means: To castrate or
To deprive of masculine vigor or spirit; to weaken; to render effeminate; to vitiate by unmanly softness.

It sounds odd when you say "nueroses I could not emasculate". Emasculate is used only to describe someone of masculine gender that was deprived of strength, spirit or vigour.

You know it will help just to use 'to weaken' instead of emasculate.

quote:

After she cried, I knew what all men knew --
A first child brings out a fantastic view.

>> nice way to wrap things up.

Over all, I like your poem, it describes the feelings of a man seeing his new born kid. But as a poet, you should try to convey yourself clearly and efficiently.

It seems you let the words take control of yourself instead of you taking control of the words.

----------------------------
the heart is an organ of fire
>>PolarFlame

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2001-07-30 11:40 PM

Overall, I think this is pretty good, but might read better without the structure- even if you kept the wording the same, you could change line breaks. There would still be rhyme, but it would be a little less obvious, and content wouldn't take a backseat to the format.

for example:

'Before she cried, before I knew she knew
She could begin to grasp the world, I saw
Her dark round eyes explore the room, a few
non-views perhaps -- a lip, a nose or jaw.'

Read as is, it's the natural tendancy to stop at the end of the line, so it sounds a little stilted, but at least it still makes sense. However:

'In an unrealized web, dynamic force
Must have inserted knowledge modern thought
Can not describe for when she let the course
Of vision pause, they rested on what I sought'

This is really runonish. LikeIfeellikeI'msupposedtoreaditallinonebreathlikethis. The wording makes it seem very complicated, almost sci-fi- unrealized web? dynamic force? It sounds like startrek or something to me... too hokey. I had to re-read it 3 or 4 times just to see where you were coming from, and I also had to force myself to read it as if it were one linear sentence as opposed to iambs and line breaks so i could absorb it better. Also, I feel like there should be a period or something at the end, because it leaves me dangling, and I didn't know if the next line was a continuation or a new thought when I first read it.

'Without the knowledge reason should have given,
I fought between fair fear and fear of fate,'

I like this but I'm not sure what the difference between fair fear and fear of fate are... wouldn't it be a fair fear of fate? If not, what is the fair fear?

'Between a scream of joy or fear of hidden
nueroses I could not emasculate.'

I actually really like these lines, i think they are the strongest in the poem.

'After she cried, I knew what all men knew --A first child brings out a fantastic view.'

I also like the ending lines. Overall, I think this is good, there was just the one set I had the problem with... I would maybe either revise this into a non-sonnet, or try to clarify the lines in question...

You are more than the sum of what you consume
Desire is not an occupation
-Nicole Blackman/KMFDM

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

4 posted 2001-07-30 11:58 PM

Brad,
Sounds like you're excited about your new newborn! I won't make any comments about your poem! The previous comments are enough to get my point across anyway which is that there is some room here for improvement!

Good Post! As usual!

Best to you and your wife!

Seoulair
Senior Member

since 2008-03-27

Posts 807
Seoul S.Korea

5 posted 2008-04-24 04:22 PM

A baby cried her first Sun out and cried out many smiling faces and cries out much unexpected love and many hopes and a bright star which all dimmed by the un-knowledged father.

I really expect some emotional words here.

very good.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

6 posted 2008-04-24 07:13 PM

I understand it....now I'm worried

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