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indeed
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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indeed |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
character, to few, complememts it's all left over who needs supplements of hypocrisy, you're so full and ignorant comments my how dull am i allowed to speak to you or am i the open ear do what i'm told to do i give up on everything i guess but what's the use of being always second best i hope that images of your fallacy will sustain you don't turn to me |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Here's my suggestions on the poem. "character, to few, complememts" spelling errot on "compliments" "it's all left over" Perhaps consider omitting "left" "who needs supplements of hypocrisy, you're so full" Good two lines but consider breaking apart the second on at the comma. I like the abrupt and direct feel to this poem and I think breaking the line might add to it. "and ignorant comments my how dull" I'd consider omitting "my how dull", doesn't really do much for the poem. "am i allowed to speak to you or am i the open ear" Consider deleting "to you" on the first line...seems unnecessary, we already know you are speaking about/to someone. "do what i'm told to do" Perhaps think about getting rid of the "to do"...seems unnecessary as well. "i give up on everything i guess" Maybe if you were to leave out the "i guess" it would add more impact to that statement. "but what's the use of being always second best" Perhaps consider chopping (I'm running out of words to say omit) out "always". "i hope that images of your fallacy will sustain you don't turn to me" Nice strong ending. I usually am not a big fan of this type of poem but I can honestly say I enjoyed this one. I think if you were to trim the fat it might enhance the abrupt, direct texture of the poem. Anyways thanks for the read and take care, Trevor ------------------ It is not a writer's job to use quotes but rather to make them....I said that, a few times and just now again. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Sounds like my wife talking when I've been a jerk. How odd. Have faith at least you aren't afraid to express yourself. It's a good start. Merlyn |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
Once I was nearly involved with a perfect low life being. when we broke up, this was exactly what was on my mind. I'm only sorry I could not tell him the same the way it is written here. May be I'll send him a copy of this. But this one would be wasted on him. He would not understand. Simple and straight. I like it. (Sorry Roxane. I could not resist that one :-)) rachi [This message has been edited by rachana.s (edited 10-09-1999).] |
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