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Critical Analysis #1
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Unfinished....untitled
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Unfinished....untitled |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Ok......I started writing this a long time ago in school, and I got interuppted before I finished.....and now I just can't get back in the mindset to work on it again......it also needs a little work on the part that is done, especially the second line of the second stanza, and a title. Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated. The murky waters of discontent are slowly seeping into my bones The whispering winds of betrayal are withing the breath of the surrounding clones The hard cold truth of reality is in the icy distance of the stars Quick fixes all over....needles, pills, powder, euphoric smoke......they're not too far Complications are replicated and trepidations have fornicated and they bear offspring of hatred Debts are left unpaid and the vultures start to raid and the sinners have already mated Lives based on infidelity, ravaged by insecurtity, they will never reach maturity Expectations set so high, fates decided by kings of irresponsibility And thats all I have ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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| © Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved | |||
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suicidal dreams Member
since 1999-09-28
Posts 343Toledo Ohio USA |
I promise to help u on this next time I see u probably maybe tomorrow I hope. ------------------ life is short kill quick |
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JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
Really good SYS, You are very inspiring!! Jenny |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Pretty decent poem, I have a few suggestions, mostly just cutting some of the words away but my opinion is there to take or file in the garbag-ola. "The murky waters of discontent are slowly seeping into my bones" Perhaps remove "The" and "are" and strip the "ing" off the end of "seep" "The whispering winds of betrayal are withing the breath of the surrounding clones" Perhaps consider omitting "The" and "are" and change "withing" to "writhe" and also think about chopping the last "the" "The hard cold truth of reality is in the icy distance of the stars" I like this line, kind of questions reality without actually questioning it...did that make sense? "Quick fixes all over....needles, pills, powder, euphoric smoke......they're not too far" Perhaps jam the drug words together to give more intensity, if not then consider removing the "...."'s, I don't think they work for this poem. Maybe get rid of "too" but that might throw off the rhyme. Also for a change perhaps switch the order of "all" and "fixes"....dunno...something different, just a thought. "Complications are replicated and trepidations have fornicated and they bear offspring of hatred" I really like this line...but consider removing "have" and "are". "Debts are left unpaid and the vultures start to raid and the sinners have already mated." Consider leaving out "are" and "the" and "already". "Lives based on infidelity, ravaged by insecurtity, they will never reach maturity" Another great line. "Expectations set so high, fates decided by kings of irresponsibility" I don't know if this line flows with the last because of the three rhyming words in the last line. Perhaps consider changing it to one whole line and change this part to something like, "fates set by kings of irresponsibility", dunno if that works either. "And thats all I have" Not a bad ending, slows the poem down and is a little reflective. I don't know how the flow would sound with the changes I suggested so I'm just going to write out a revision to see if the rhyme meter holds. "Murky waters of discontent slowly seep into my bones Whispering winds of betrayal writhe the breath of surrounding clones The hard cold truth of reality is in the icy distance of the stars Quick all fixes over needles, pills, powder, euphoric smoke, they're not far Complications replicated and trepidations fornicated, they bear offspring of hatred Debts left unpaid and vultures start to raid and the sinners have already mated Lives based on infidelity, ravaged by insecurtity, they will never reach maturity through set fates of irresponsibility And thats all I have" I don't know if that works any better but I'm only trying to inspire not show. Anyways I hope that I've been at least a little bit helpful, thanks for the read, I enjoyed it and take care, Trevor |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Thanks for the replies........ BTW thats all I have was a footnote  ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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