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chrisco
New Member

since 2002-01-07

Posts 1

0 posted 2002-01-07 06:10 PM

rain falling like the
efervescent plop plop fizz fizz
of the alkaseltser devil

clouds of such astute meaning
that its mist is opaque as the
the scriptures we read

words that are cryptic have
much and then no meaning to
one who writes it for nothing

life converges like the thrum
of a guitar string and then dies
as if it never was

agony and esctacy go well with
the pangs of thought that seem
complete the meaning of life

poetry goes on...

rich-pa
Member

since 2000-02-07

Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana

1 posted 2002-01-07 06:17 PM

what up b, what's with all this jibbajabba...yer first poem you say? either not too shabby or yer lying...i'm digging the imagery here, the alkaseltzer devil and whatnot...the last lineties it in for me, i see each stanza as a part of poetry as a whole, the first is imagery, the second dealing with meaning, the third with writers and drive, the fourth with the common themes of universals (like life) in poetry, and the fifth is with emotion...um that's what i say, you could prolly clear it up some but this is damn good for a first shot..the other guys will help with the more technocal crap, i don't deal with that stuff

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-01-08 09:39 AM

Hi Chrisco,

Welcome to CA. Just a quick suggestion here. Proofread before you post. You have too many typos. This distracts the reader and may cause some of them to not give the poem its proper due.

Check your email for a message.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

3 posted 2002-01-08 10:14 AM

rain falling like the
efervescent plop plop fizz fizz
of the alkaseltser devil
First ~ punctuation is missing. What does Alka Seltzer (misspelled and is not one word) have to to do with being a devil? That doesn't make sense.
clouds of such astute meaning
that its mist is opaque as the
the scriptures we read
That is not a complete sentence. and your imagery does not make sense.
words that are cryptic have
much and then no meaning to
one who writes it for nothing

life converges like the thrum
of a guitar string and then dies
as if it never was

agony and esctacy go well with
the pangs of thought that seem
complete the meaning of life
Awkward structure, "...that seem complete the..."

poetry goes on...

Chrissy
Member

since 2002-01-24

Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!

4 posted 2002-01-24 05:12 AM

I really appriciate new poets, because i have been writing for a while, and have just started letting people read it. It has made me feel really good to get positive and negitive feedback when it applies! Thanks again for writing!

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