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Painted Dreams
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Painted Dreams |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
I imagined I could paint my world, how I wanted it to be. And with a brush that knew no bounds, create a tapestry. To see each special colour lend prominence of hue. To watch my cherished hopes, as they blossomed into view. And in the end, my sense of pride would on the canvas gleam, as I the artist bask in glory of my painted dreams. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 09-30-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Mona Lisa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
I liked this a lot, how many of us have wished we could paint our dreams to reality...  the last 2 lines just get me, I like that, sometimes we dream dreams of folly, and dreams that in reality wouldn't be good for us, but in this poem you show how proud you would be for your dreams to actually be |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
Thank you for your response. This poem came to me as I thought of how we have our hopes and dreams and yearn for them to come true. I thought, how wonderful it would be if we could take a brush and paint them into reality. Also,if we could choose whatever colours we wanted and see them take shape on the canvas before our eyes the way an artist's masterpiece comes to life. In the same way that the artist knows what he/she will paint before they begin, we would know what dreams we wanted to come to fruition. Upon completion of the painting/dream, we would be proud of what we've accomplished. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 09-30-1999).] |
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Justin Thyme Member
since 1999-09-13
Posts 216Oz |
Hey MONA!! This is Leonardo here! Really really cool poem, babe! Gotta love it! Look, I see you're a new member and maybe you don't know me and my brother Justin Kase and ONE FLEW OVER, and Nurse Cratchet and the Unknown Poet who thinks he's Vincent Van Gogh and Pablo, that wild and crazy painter dude.... but anyway, we were all in the 'stute together and posting a bunch of rhymes in here about YOU!!! And old ONE FLEW took a straw in the cafeteria and tried to alter your smile and geez... you've been missing for a LONG TIME... so I'm REALLY glad to see you back. Honestly, as far as the critique of this poem, your rhyme and meter seem pretty much perfect to me! This is a wonderful poem and I can't think of a thing to tell you to change about it. Here's the deal though, you're poem's really REAL, did you know that? After all, it was me who painted you. One brush stroke at a time. And now you're here joining us at Passions! Yes, Mona, there *is* supernatural creativity and you're a living example of it. Your Creator, Leonardo DeVinci (oh, btw, if you come into Open Poetry #3, some of us dudes from the 'stute are hanging out in there and we'd love it if you could add your rhymes to ours.  ) |
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Justin Kace Member
since 1999-09-13
Posts 82Oz |
....you're taken aback by all this... Let me assure you Justin Thyme only thinks he's Leonardo... and the Unknown Poet didn't really steal your big Toe... and put a Rag on it... Nope and Nurse Crachet wasn't really chasing a doctor in Moose-drag around the wards at dinner time... So don't be getting stressed over this... OK? Sincerely Michelangelo ps - Great poem - Your context is wonderful - fitting of the Mona Lisa - and your rhyme scheme works... Your meter is a bit inconsistent in spots - fluctuating from iambic to trochaic - giving the verse a few stumbles - but that'd be really easy to adjust.... All in all, I like this one lots Justin Kace... |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
Wow Justin Thyme, you're really writing poems about me??? I'm so flattered to be the object of your inspiration! Really I am! But seriously though, thank you for your lovely comments about the poem. I have been in Open forum #3 and have posted some of my poems there. You will be seeing me there again. Justin Kace, thank you for your lovely comments of my poem. For the most part I am pleased with the poem, but admit I did have a little trouble with the last two lines, "as I the artist bask in glory of my painted dreams". I wasn't quite sure how to place those lines, or whether or not I should change some of the words to make it fit better. Even now, I look at it and wonder if there were better words I could have used to express it. Anyway, thank you for pointing out my flaws. Your critique is well appreciated. P.S. I looked at this forum "Justin Thyme" and posted my responses "Justin Kace" you thought I'd missed both your comments. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 10-04-1999).] |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Mona....reat poem....I really wouldn't change it at all. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
Thanks SD. I've looked at the poem over and over again and don't think I can find anything else to change it into. Though I suppose I could change it but I'm not sure it would convey it the way was intended. This poem poured off the tip my pen so fast, I couldn't get it on paper quick enough. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 10-04-1999).] |
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Justin Thyme Member
since 1999-09-13
Posts 216Oz |
Mona Lisa, you are smiling! How do I know?, you ask. Because I put the smile there! Quite an enjoyable task! So glad to see you're humor. It's something not refuted! We'll see you soon in Open3, where we are instituted! hehehe Justin T. |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
JT, a little humour never hurt anything. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
a very nice piece, mona lisa, i love the idea of painting one's world.... i agree with michaelangelo, your meter needs a little attention (on those rare occasions when the words are really flowing, it's the last thing i usually think about, lol). one more comment, though... the use of the word "tapestry" here is totally inappropriate; a tapestry is a work of fabric or textile, and it is woven or embroidered -- NOT painted. oh well. maybe leo or mike can give you a hand with this? [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-04-1999).] |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
Jenni, as a seamstress, I am well aware what a tapestry is. The word is not totally inappropriate as you put it. If you look it up in the Oxford dictionary the definition is "Events, or circumstances compared with a tapestry in being intricate, interwoven, life's rich tapestry". In fact the word is totally appropriate here, that's why I used it. Just so you'll know, tapestry is not a word strictly related to "fabrics". Remember, poetry is about showing imagery and many different words are used to convey a message in a poem. For that matter, everyone knows we cannot 'paint our dreams', but the idea works for the sake of poetic imagery. As for the meter of the poem, I've decided not to bog myself down over it. Other than that, thanks for your comments. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 10-05-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Mona Lisa, Poetry is about making other people feel something (You can disagree anytime you want ) 'Tapestry' is an interesting word but do you honestly think you can control it? To be honest, I agree with your point but, be careful, you are arguing for arguing sake. Tapestry has a connotation to work with, nothing more. If you want to argue, then talk to me . Does 'Tapestry' work here or no? What's your opinion? I am not sure, yet. |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
Brad,first of all, let's clear one thing up. No one here is arguing. Why is it that just because someone does not agree with something someone else said, you assume an argument has ensued? It's a given that poetry is about making other people feel something. Obviously that is understood. Why would I disagree? My statement that poetry is about imagery was in response to the topic that was being discussed. At no time did I say that it was "only" about imagery. Everyone knows, or at least I would hope, that poetry is meant to make the reader feel something. Other than that, what would be the point in writing it? Honestly, I find it insulting that you would consider my comments and responses an argument. Keep in mind, that just because the purpose of this forum is for critiquing poetry, does not mean the writer is always going to agree with what has been said. Should the writer then feel like he or she is agruing just because they don't agree? In the end, we all make up our own minds what is best for our poems and will use criticism to rework certain parts of a poem whenever we feel it necessary. As writers of poetry, we reserve the right to agree and disagree with what is said about our work. Just because I don't post my comments passively, doesn't mean I am arguing. Aren't these forums for discussion? You said: 'Tapestry' is an interesting word but do you honestly think you can control it?' Help me understand what you mean by this. All that being said, I appreciate the comments that are said about my work. It is interesting to see what other people's perspectives are. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 10-05-1999).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
mona lisa, thanks for the lesson. i understand that the word "tapestry" is often used in the metaphorical sense, and is not used exclusively to identify an actual rug on a wall. duh. this doesn't change the fact that a tapestry IS actually what it IS: "1. a heavy handwoven reversible textile used for hangings, curtains, and upholstery and characterized by complicated pictorial designs; 2. a nonreversible imitation of a tapestry used chiefly for upholstery; 3. embroidery on a canvas resembling woven tapestry lol, seventeen uses of "tapestry" in one paragraph, a new world's record. i'll shut up now, lol. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
Mona Lisa, Though I do agree with Jenni that tapestry and painting do not get along as far as the logic of it is concerned, I some how still do feel that it is not out of place here. On the contrary, it fits right in. this is a lovely poem. rachi |
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Mona Lisa Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 100Halifax, Nova Scotia |
"mona lisa, thanks for the lesson. Sarcasm intended there? i understand that the word "tapestry" is often used in the metaphorical sense, and is not used exclusively to identify an actual rug on a wall. duh. this doesn't change the fact that a tapestry IS actually what it IS: "1. a heavy handwoven reversible textile used for hangings, curtains, and upholstery and characterized by complicated pictorial designs; 2. a nonreversible imitation of a tapestry used chiefly for upholstery; 3. embroidery on a canvas resembling woven tapestry ", Exactly. And neither does it change the fact that a tapestry as quoted by the dictionary is "intricate circumstances interwoven in life's tapestry". Obviously, when someone thinks of a tapestry, the mind instantly imagines a literal woven textile since that is the context it is most often used in. To say "with a brush that knew no bounds, create a tapestry" is to say I wish to create a life woven in beauty with magical colours and designs etc. When thought of in the context of "fabric and textiles, naturally you think it doesn't make sense because paint is used with a paint brush, not fabric. But if you don't get beyond the fact that the word tapestry has more than one meaning, certainly you will not be able to see the metaphorical context as I intended. The idea of the poem is not to paint a woven textile, but to paint my dreams into reality, and the end result, a tapestry of life, not a tapestry which hangs on a wall. If anything, I did encounter some trouble with the meter of the poem when writing the last two lines of the last stanza. I bogged myself down with what I could use there instead of "as I the artist bask in glory". Somehow, it doesn't seem to flow properly. Any suggestions there would be helpful. As I said before, all perspectives given are appreciated. I do thank you for expressing your disagreement and/or confusion with my use of the word tapestry in this poem as it allows me to take other viewpoints into consideration. I suppose this debate could go on forever as you view my meaning differently than I intended, but truthfully, I feel it expresses it the way I want the poem expressed. [This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
mona lisa, you asked for any suggestions. If you do not mind changing the last two lines a little bit may I suggest a line, And in the end, my sense of pride, would on the canvas gleam while the world envys the glory of my painted dreams. I does change the meaning of that line, but it sounded just right to me. just my suggestion. rachi |
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