Lessons in Love - REWRITE - pipTalk Forums

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CondorSey
Junior Member

since 2001-12-24

Posts 28
Dam-Nation

0 posted 2001-12-27 10:32 PM

I have reworked this poem and would like to know what you think.

What is love, I would often ask,
Souls open and free, without mask.
Never having known what love could be,
I had continued on, wild and carefree.
Thinking I knew, what love is,
How wrong was I, until your kiss.

You've shown me love, pure and true
Taking me places I never knew.
Honesty, devotion, pure in deed,
Respect and understanding, these love need.
I cherish and honor you til heavens above,
Because of you, I now know what is love.

Let's put the FUN back into Dysfunctional.

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

1 posted 2001-12-27 10:45 PM

grr, i think i'm too much of a cynic to make unbiased comment, so i'm gonna leave it at-- the work you've put in shows.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.

2 posted 2001-12-28 12:11 PM

CondorSey,

I have read both versions of this piece and I must say that this rewrite is better than the first. I know how hard it is to write love poetry (I have written plenty of it and much of it I will never show to anyone, it's so bad!) That being said, I still think that this needs a good amount of work. It has potential but there are some things that I would consider revising.
First of all, your timing is terribly inconsistant. So much so, that I can discern no recognisable meter. Line by line you have 8, 9, 9, 11, 7, 8 beats per line in the first stanza. Then 7, 9, 9, 10, 12, 9 beats per line in the second. If I were writing this, I would even out the lines to make them flow better.
Also, rhyming couplets are very difficult to write well. I know this is a big rewrite but you might try turning this into a sonnet. With a little work on the rhyme scheme, evening out the meter and adding a couple of lines you could do it. It's alot more work than it sounds when I describe it but it's possible.
Well, I've mentioned the two most glaring problems (to my mind) and offered a possible solution (albeit a bit drastic). I hope this helps. If not with this poem, then perhaps with your next. Above all, listen to that dream voice and keep writing. You can't help but get better.
Ian

Sing while you may
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

3 posted 2001-12-28 11:10 AM

This is better, indeed.

However, I had trouble understanding these two lines.

Respect and understanding, these love need. These love need?
I cherish and honor you til heavens above, ...til heavens above what?

Good job.

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