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Kiyoakia
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Kiyoakia |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
Kiyoakia~ “I stared at the ring glinting in the sun, a flawless white light that sparkled in the center of the emerald. And as I did so, I became aware of the face of a woman, young and beautiful, which had gradually formed within it.” Spring Snow by Yukio Mishima You teased love grabbed a loose thread and tugged, Twisted joy and hatred into a novel, if not vain, friendship bracelet which you burned. Grew new born flowers from tears of blessed despair Sold your soul along with her body then hid her memory under your flesh. Love was intangible for this heart born of impossibility Fate came ashore carried on the wave that washed away your sand castle. Death was your God, and he too, abandoned you for her What of your jewel, emerald green purity, lost in the ancient ruins of your past. You stole hope then took her life for your revenge. Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I had some trouble with abstractions in this, but your had some good imagery/phrasing. 'You teased love grabbed a loose thread and tugged,' Good opener... it teases the reader... but the past tense makes me wonder, 'well, what happened'? 'Twisted joy and hatred into a novel, if not vain, friendship bracelet which you burned.' On initial reading, I thought novel was a noun... might think about rewording to avoid confusion/awkward transition. Also, I personally didn't find the image that effective, because it wasn't convincing- there were some steps missing between making the bracelet and burning it- I just can't swallow someone making something for the sole purpose of burning it. Did the speaker ever see it? How does she know? 'Grew new born flowers from tears of blessed despair' Too cliche. 'Sold your soul along with her body then hid her memory under your flesh.' I like the image, but I don't think I'm quite getting the message. Who is 'she'? I had initially thought this was a first person account... maybe my fault for assuming, but that's the impression I got- maybe it would be stronger as such? 'Love was intangible for this heart born of impossibility' Too many vague concept words. Give me some meat with the condiments. 'Fate came ashore carried on the wave that washed away your sand castle.' Well.... it's not the most unique image in the world. but I like it nevertheless. Maybe you could personalize it more, take the metaphor a bit further- for example: Fate came ashore carried on the wave of (emotion/idea/symbol) that washed away your sand castle of (reference to above metaphor). This is just a suggestion... it could be a way to sharpen the concept words, to specify the feelings.... but it could also really ruin the image, it all depends on development... I mean, if I were you, I'd just play with it a little bit, you could take this all over the place. 'Death was your God, and he too, abandoned you for her' I guess the entire thing is a bit disjointed, but you totally lost me here. I mean, I understand the idea on its own, but not its significance to the entire poem, or how any of the seperate ideas really tie together so far. 'What of your jewel, emerald green purity, lost in the ancient ruins of your past.' This image really doesn't convey too much to me... but if you are going to use it, at least punctuate it with a question mark. 'You stole hope then took her life for your revenge.' Huh? I'm confused. I think the biggest issue in this is clarity. The abstractions, as well as the lack of connections left me with an unfinished painting... I would see about restructuring your interesting images so that you message is more clear, because I just don't get it. But maybe it's just me.... lol.  "this is not who I meant to be |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
Kiyoakia~ (revision #2) “I stared at the ring glinting in the sun, a flawless white light that sparkled in the center of the emerald. And as I did so, I became aware of the face of a woman, young and beautiful, which had gradually formed within it.” Spring Snow by Yukio Mishima You teased love grabbed a loose thread and tugged, Twisted joy and hatred into a vain friendship which you burned to free yourself. Grew wilted flowers from tears of sanctified despair Sold your soul along with my body then hid my memory under your flesh. Love was elusive while you enjoyed your depression. Fate came ashore carried on the wave that washed away your sand castle. Death alone you loved, until death came to me and not to you. What of this ring? emerald green purity, lost in the ancient ruins of your past. You stole hope then took my life for your revenge. Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
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