»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Child Within (please help)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Child Within (please help) |
|
|
silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
(something doesn't feel right with this, please help) The Child Within * * * * I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m here. I haven’t been able to hear my own voice lately. Did you notice how cold, solid the floor is in here? Somehow I thought that in here it would be warmer. Were you the one that turned out the lights? You forgot to plug in my night light, and I’m kinda scared. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m here. My body hurts all over and there’s this pounding in my head. Could you bring me a glass of milk? I can’t seem to move. I’m sorry if I upset you when I started crying. I was afraid that you had left me all alone. You never told me life ended so soon, I guess I should thank you. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m here. It’s purple, by the way, but the chalk is almost gone. Would it be ok if I used just one more piece? My hope-scotch board is almost done and I need this to throw. It’ll keep the monster locked up in the closet. Or did you push him under the bed instead? I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’ll keep talking. Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
||
| © Copyright 2001 silent whispers - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Doesn't feel right? No. It reads OK except for a couple of points like the floor line. "Did you notice how cold, solid the floor is in here?" The comma is incorrect punctuation but your intent is obvious. This next bit doesn't make sense to me. I think you mean hopscotch. One word. The "It'll keep..." sends me reeling. What will keep the monsters locked up? "My hope-scotch board is almost done and I need this to throw. It’ll keep the monster locked up in the closet." So why doesn't it feel right to you? To me it feels perfectly alright as a list of statements. I think the premise is a little soppy but that's neither here nor there. The reason it doesn't feel right TO ME is because, while there are poetic bits, the whole is not a poem or poetry as I understand it. That's OPINION. Not fact. So don't be put off by it. I wonder what makes it a poem for you. The piece varies in line length and the rhythm, unless you adopt a monotone, is not something the piece seems to hinge on. The form of the piece is, as I said earlier, a list. It could be free verse except that I don't see the verse in it. So what's left is message. And your last line sums up the whole... "I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’ll keep talking." The child is not able to establish a communication line with the outer person and is not heard, or at least, is not confident of his/her ability to get through. The message could be refined a bit and made more interactive. What I mean by that is that the audience is already somewhat shut out by the method here. Unless the lines strike a fairly direct chord (or else the general tone of the piece does) it is hard to relate to the piece without reacting by shutting it off (stop reading). Something that expressed a more general or universal truth, even using the specifics you've used, would enable the reader (me) to identify and contribute my experience to the piece. There's nothing for me to do here except feel sorry for the child within and I believe that this is exactly the opposite of what I should feel.. sorry for the adult shut off from this source of life and beauty. But the piece does not get me there. Why doesn't it feel right to you? Where does your attention stick? Kevin "Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there." [This message has been edited by kevintaylor (edited 10-31-2001).] |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I think you've done a pretty fair job...it just needs a bit of polishing up. This reminds me of exercises done to bring out the child within...to imagine what she would say if she could speak. This one would come from one who had forgotten their inner child, had not nourished and kept her alive, part of the person's life. That person's life would then suffer for it, without a clue as to why they feel a loss. I believe a small part of us never grows up...the memories, emotions, and the wonder of childhood stay with us forever, and if we do nourish and tend that part of us, we will enjoy life more fully. I think if you just do some serious rewriting and polishing, you will find that you will get to the point where it "feels right". Nice work. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
thank you both for replying. I'm not sure what it is about this piece that doesn't feel right. It was a project for class trying to create a poem following the guidlines for the "poetic thought movement" of the early 70's and late 60's. I got an A on the poem in the class but something in the rhythm and the form just never really settled with me and I haven't been able to put my finger on exactly what it was. The hope-scotch board was supposed to be a referance to hopscotch but indicating the child's hope amist everything else. re-reading this after reading the comments I do agree that this needs to be clarified along with some editing to implicate hope earlier instead of how misserable the child's situation is. Gimmie a bit to mull it over and I'll see what I can do. Any tips on reworking the rhythm of the piece? Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
