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Keith Morgan
Member

since 2001-10-29

Posts 114
Md

0 posted 2001-10-29 12:34 PM

A Second Chance

Courageous are two souls
That take a chance on love
Not knowing what the outcome may bring
But willing to listen to their beating hearts
That dance in rhythm underneath the brightly amused stars
On a moonlit platform intertwined as one
An invisible audience of heart broken lovers
Stand and applaud
And a few even cry
For that which has eluded them
Or that which they let slip away
Joyously appreciating this romantic interlude
Reveling in its beauty and passion
Now realizing that love is resilient
Though at times it may hide or disappear
It always returns when hope has faded
Like time it is a kin to patience
Waiting for the right moment to reappear
Giving the broken hearted a second chance at love

Marcel

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-10-29 10:29 AM

Hi Keith,

Only have a minute but I want to welcome you to the CA forum. It's always good to hear a new voice.

Check your email for a message.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2001-11-01 11:20 PM

The images and rhythm here really don't do much for me. What you might want to do is read some poetry- Emily Dickinson and most African American poetry is great to read for ideas on rhythm and flow, and for imagery, I would suggest checking out some of the beatniks (Allen Ginsberg and William S. Burroughs are good places to start) or, one of my personal favorites, Mark Strand- he's amazing with imagery and metaphors.

Just a couple suggestions... there's a lot here that can help, too... I learn a lot on a day to day basis just by paying attention to what is said in this critique forum... read others' poetry and comments.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

3 posted 2001-11-02 04:03 AM

What do you think someone should get from your poem? The sensation of beautiful sadness? That's about what it does for me. And if that's where you wanted to go then alright. But I think that there is a more universal truth you're skirting around. And a more interesting one for my money. Perhaps it is really the same tale but told from another vantage point. The tale of love despite all reasons to fail. The tale of love undiminished by time and circumstance.
The difference is in the telling I suppose.

But that's a matter of my preferences and I'm sure you didn't write that piece with me in mind. Who did you have in mind? I mean, who is the audience? That pretty much dictates how you are going to handle the poem.

As far as rhythm goes, this piece could use rhythm better to compliment the message. Rhythm, in all its subtleties, is what carries your message.

Form: Not much here. Basically unstructured and line breaks are loosely set. A little more structure goes well with a love-subject poem. Since this poem seems more likely to be read than spoken (maybe I'm wrong there) then if nothing else, arrange it for the eye rhythms. The poem should also, inasmuch as it is possible, look right too.

Here are a few specific comments:

"beating hearts
That dance in rhythm underneath the brightly amused stars"

This image is reckless. I can be made to believe the hearts beating to a tempo even under bright stars. But brightly amused stars are beyond my ability. There are few good reasons to stick adjectives and adverbs all over the place. The tendancy to do so is usually part of the overworked "Show me" school. But in this case, just tell me that there are stars and I'll add my own.

"On a moonlit platform intertwined as one"

Intertwined would suffice.

"An invisible audience of heart broken lovers
Stand and applaud
And a few even cry
For that which has eluded them"

The "invisible" is what? If you insist on having an audience then make it real.

You end off on a didactic note. Do you really believe the lesson or do you just want me to believe it. Either way, it didn't sell. Maybe it's because I was already having trouble with the invisible audience of peepers having a sudden realization about life and love without any real causal agent except the third party catalyst of a couple all over each other on a moonlit platform under a speckled sky

Good to have you aboard!

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

4 posted 2001-11-06 05:49 AM

These are just my opinions on your poem and can be taken or left. I'm new at this so I might be off on a few things.

Courageous are two souls
That take a chance on love
Not knowing what the outcome may bring
But willing to listen to their beating hearts
[That dance in rhythm underneath the brightly amused stars]
***This imagery doesn't work for me***
On a moonlit platform intertwined as one
[An invisible audience] of heart broken lovers
***Why are they invisible? What is the meaning behind their being invisible? Can they be there in any other form? This is a clarity problem***
[Stand and applaud
And a few even cry]
***These two lines need work***
For that which has eluded them
Or that which they let slip away
[Joyously appreciating this romantic interlude]
***I would rework this line, but either this line or the two before need to be tinkered with for the sake of clarity***
Reveling in its beauty and passion
Now realizing that love is resilient
Though at times it may hide or disappear
It always returns when hope has faded
[Like time it is a kin to patience
Waiting for the right moment to reappear
Giving the broken hearted a second chance at love]
*** Either seriously re-work the ending or cut it off. The way it stands it doesn't add anything to the poem and pushed me away rather than leave me wondering.***

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

5 posted 2001-11-06 04:39 PM

Hi Keith, I love your poem. It really moves my feeling. It's got a beautiful imagery there. The way you cut your line is great. I am not the best one to comment however, but these are my humble opinions. I cordialy invite you to visit my poetry site. I'm a beginner in everyway. I would be glad to hear your comment on my writing.

Love,
Vivian http://members.home.com/home0/

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