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Critical Analysis #1
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From His Counselor at Carl Robinson Correctional Institution
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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From His Counselor at Carl Robinson Correctional Institution |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Two pale spheres under feral brows rotate individually a chameleon eyeballing the crowded bar Several days stiff bristle splay out from loose skin His recently thin face too obvious to ignore I overhear him lie to the brunette on the barstool that weight lifting and powdered protein shakes have helped him stay fit He never mentions snorted white excesses dorminitory insomnia or prison time at C.R.C.I. She is absorbed by the details of his decoy The angst in his story adheres her like a geckos sticky tongue I watch his nature returned from barred dormancy His primal instinct for luring species specific prey She clings as well not knowing what thrills her will kill her Pheromones too powerful for reason to overcome Jeen |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Thanks! 3 points... or two points and an opinion... 1) Geckos should be gecko's. 2) Geckoes and chameleons are not related except by their lizardness. 3) I've read and reread this piece and although you may be very attatched to the 1st stanza the poem is remarkably better without it. Kevin |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Kevin Funny you should mention that because I originally wrote it as: Two pale spheres of hardened blue ice under feral brows eyeball the crowd and changed it while posting it. Somehow I knew there was a problem with it. Someone once told me that the more you are attached to a phrase or verse in a poem, the more sure you can be that it should be removed. I sort of built the poem around the beginning verse (the original one). It was the "lizardness" of this man that I was refering to, but the poem does seem to stand better without it. Thanks Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 10-17-2001).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I personally liked the first stanza. Perhaps you could fix the chameleon/gecko clash by just changing gecko to lizard? Geckos aren't the only lizards with sticky tongues. Also.... the last stanza does not do this poem justice at all. 'what thrills her will kill her'....? I know you can do better than that... lol. I don't think the idea is bad... it's a very common theme, but you do a very good job making it unique... until the end. Try to rethink the idea into something a little less obvious and cliche. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hush Again...I had trouble with that last idea, not really the line. Thanks, I will rework it. Jeen |
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