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The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member

since 2001-10-03

Posts 818
USA

0 posted 2001-10-10 02:58 PM

A bubble runs through my veins.
I probe it, push it, and feel it.
Still, it does not dissolve.
Anger divides into words!

Finally the tip of it entangles
in the beginning of a cry.
I vomit.

It floats in saline
on my bureau screaming
my last poem.

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

[This message has been edited by The Lady of Shallot (edited 10-10-2001).]

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

1 posted 2001-10-11 03:34 PM

The title and the way you introduce the reader to the poem is enticing, but IMO the work does not deliver. Why not tell us exactly what it is that's evoked this response, or if not- give reason for the response. I feel the energy here could be better directed.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2001-10-14 11:57 AM

This is interesting, but kind of vague. First of all, the title didn't work for me, but that's just a matter of opinion. I found it too hokey.

'A bubble runs through my veins.
I probe it, push it, and feel it.
Still, it does not dissolve.
Anger divides into words!'

I like the first 2 lines here. The third lacks the punch the first two had- try using sharper sounds, and be more direct in the wording. Anger dividing into words is an interesting idea, but definitely drop the exclamation point- it's overkill.

'Finally the tip of it entangles
in the beginning of a cry.
I vomit.'

I like the sound of the wording... I had a little trouble with the idea of a tip of a bubble, but on the other hand, I kind of like the confrontational nature of the image.

'It floats in saline
on my bureau screaming
my last poem.'

This just didn't tie everything up for me... I get the general impression that this is to serve as a suicide note for the speaker, who's killed herself (sorry if I've got the gender wrong, but this has a feminine tone to me) by injecting her veins with air and maybe regrets it now, when its too late? But I don't understand where the saline comes from, or how the bubble made it out there while it was just in the speaker's blood. Basically, I think this could become a very good poem if some clarity was added... the words have a strong impact, the content just doesn' come through.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

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