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Today
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Today |
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Girlprecious New Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 1 |
Did you know today I had the most amazing day! I held you in my arms I gazed into your beautiful eyes I touched your body with my hands I felt your soul reach mine I felt your lips touch mine I felt your strong hands caress me I felt my heart melt with the sight of you I shivered from the thought of you I felt all these things today in my mind Yes today was the most amazing day!! I would much appreciate anyones comment on my poem. I have recently found out that it is going to be published. The first of my poems to go that far. It was written for a very special person in my life. Thank you ahead of time for any input you may give. Girlprecious |
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| © Copyright 2001 Girlprecious - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Did you know today I had the most amazing day!' To me, this line is, first and foremost, set off by punctuation. The phrasing sounds like a question, but it's punctuated with an exclamation. I personally, think exclamations are very rarely needed in poetry, because the words themselves should supply the power and strength, but that's just a personal opinion. Overall, I think this poem is way too broad and vague. Each image here deserves a poem or at the very least, a stanza to itself for elaboration. Also, I would work more on using more images, and actually describing/showing what happenned instead of just telling us. Don't just tell us you held this person- tell us how. Hope I've helped a bit. everything's fine. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions, girlprecious! How exciting that this is going to be published. I will not offer any critiques on it at this time, as there are more qualified folks around here who will be able to do so. But I hope you come to see us often, and post your other works. Welcome aboard! Karilea |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Girlprecious, Sorry to be so slow in welcoming you to the CA forum. I shouldn't be so busy, I guess. You have come to the right place for help with your poetry. Much of the time I find that I pretty well agree with Hush. And this one is no exception. I understand you intent of making a small poem but I think you have tried to cover too much ground in that form. As Hush said, each line could better make a whole stanza. Of course, doing that would then make a longer poem. Perhaps another approach would be to be more descriptive with each thought. Maybe make the lines a little longer and/or give more of an image of each thought instead of just the words. As a final thought, You started too many lines with I. Sometimes that might work but it seems distracting to me this time. Well, welcome again to CA and check your email for a message. Pete |
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