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Incest (The first line is difficult to read)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Incest (The first line is difficult to read) |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
my father said the best part of me dripped down his leg I could go back in recollection turn myself inside out with misery shower in the ugliness that reigned over me I could eat rage in spoonfuls at breakfast with cornflakes dress my wrists with red columns of despondency exist as validation for his despair but it was a lie now that he is dead my real father has told him so Please give me good or bad feedback (in spite of the uncomfortable content). Thank you Jeen |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Whoa. The first line is absolutely brilliant- it's been a long time since an opening phrase shocked me like that. It's just such a vibrant image, without even going into details- this is an instance where less is more, and it's the perfect balance. The next two stanzas lack that. While I don't think line 1 should have a followup exactly as stunning, it shouldn't be as muted- it's not that it's bad- it's just that I've heard that kind of phrasing before, and it seems commonplace when compared to the beginning. The third stanza has a good concept, but I would change the words ugliness and especially reigned- it sounds a little too much like glorifying the subject, which I get the distinct impression you are trying not to do. Stanzas 4 and 5 are a return to the force of line 1- brilliant images, once again, using the nature of the phrasing rather than the words themselves to create the (very) dark atmosphere. In stanza 6, validation for his despair is a little too vague- you're good with breif specifics- I think you could phrase that some other way so it's a more precise idea. The last stanza I'm not sure I understand it- is it supposed to indicate afterlife judgement by god (father)? Maybe if it is, you could capitalize father for clarity? And if not, could you explain what you meant? Overall, I think this is a poem with very strong lines that stick out- a little smoothing could make the entire piece a series of hard-hitters and slam the point home- I really enjoyed this, and I like your style. Hope to see more from you. everything's fine. |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hush Thank you, thank you, thank you, for such excellent critical advice. Because of the content of this poem, (which came to me exactly as it was written a few days ago) the handful of people I shared it with were too stunned to get past the first line. Although in my heart I felt it should remain, because without it the poem would mean nothing, yet I began to wonder if it was too much. The middle verses do need work, and I appreciate your suggestions. In the last verses I did mean the afterlife. I had capitalized Father in the original version, but had typed it incorrectly when I posted it. I am so glad you responded. The few poems I have posted before had gotten many responses, probably because the subject matter was more positive, and I was feeling that I had crossed over that fine line of being thought provoking to being offensive. God Bless Jeen |
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