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Requiem
New Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 7


0 posted 2001-07-10 12:27 PM


Beauty
-------

The bile's burning her throat
Now that she's done purging the imaginary Devil
And the porcelain God is suddenly sanguine
Her eyes bloodshot and wet

But it's alright,
Because she's going to be the most beautiful corpse there ever was.

(Notes: I just wrote this, pretty much free-form, only changed "fat" to "Devil". So this is it raw, and at your mercy for disection. Thanks in advance for any commentary.)

© Copyright 2001 Requiem - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2001-07-10 01:20 PM


I don't think it's bad, I think it's a good idea- but something just doesn't sit right- especially the last line- I understand it's sarcastic, but it's still a little cliche- same with the title. I would somehow work on maybe expanding this, playing with the imagery and concept.

everything's fine.

Requiem
New Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 7

2 posted 2001-07-10 10:25 PM


Thank you for the input. I'm extremely new to writing poetry, was a spur of the moment type thing inspired by something a friend wrote/real life difficulty I've been dealing with.

Anyways, I've taken your suggestions into consideriation and thank you for them.

brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
3 posted 2001-07-11 02:13 PM


Requiem, WOW powerful words great build up but as HUsh said the last line is clinched and an anticlimax. FRom the other lines I am sure you can come up with a sharper end. Enjoyed this alot.

"Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song.

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

4 posted 2001-07-12 01:06 AM


Hey there. Requiem...

I like this.  

I agree that the last line is weak - tighten the concept up, make it 'yours' and not something just anyone would say.

You have a great imagery - porcelain God...sanguine...nice...

now - some suggestions:

* Remove the initial capitalisation of God and Devil. It's destracting and too emphatic I think.

* Take out the 'that' of the second line - it's unnecessary.

* Why does the last section have punctuation and the first one doesn't? I suggest aiming for consistency...

I'll be watching for more of your work...

K

I am a refugee of logic...insisting
on unlikely land with every step.


Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

5 posted 2001-07-12 07:06 PM


I think it has great potential...and the start is powerful....I am no pro, but I too think the ending is missing something.  The words hit home.  I used to live that way.

Jeen

Requiem
New Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 7

6 posted 2001-07-13 11:44 PM


Thank you for the continued input. As cliched as the last line sounds, it's rather important to me for it's something I've said to this person, and I've heard her admit she'd die to get the perfect figure. Perhaps rewording is in order though...
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