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Twenty-four and Counting
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Twenty-four and Counting |
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Gypsy Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20VA Coast |
Twenty-eight seconds and I smoke another cigarette; I sit and wonder is this addiction so great... one more moment and I contemplate life, too emotional and pivotal to understand, I am a weathered beach. And as I stand, Confused at the edge of this ocean, Twenty-eight minutes have passed, with one more glass of wine. I type and wonder, have I lost my mind? A pixie dancing with no music, only my femble attempts are left crashing like waves onto this fragile earth... Motionless as I watch the moon, Full and raining with thunder... Twenty-eight hours turn fast and I am bitter with regret ideas and thoughts stun me. Politicians think so desperately and I am believing it's simply egotistical, unremarkable to my life... I want freedom An oppression lifted! Humor required, And yet life tumbles on as if an experiment... Twenty-eigth days and I am still here, Unaware of my consumption or the censorship of this movement I am here, landing, as if on jupiter I am spinning within its rings... dizzy; from the addiction I have found Within these four cigarettes and last glass of wine I have memorized the outline... I have realized my life is similiar to these words and yet I am unaware of the windows that exist or the circles that elude me. I must color again with 64 colors! I must become my own Picasso Be the I, never had, for nothing more or nothing less than the one bottle and one pack of memories I do have left; that now sit idle within the back... I, lost upon compartments have begun to unshelve the distance So when twenty-eight years does arrive, I hope I will be Twenty-eight thousands hours away from my addiction... ready to experience the very next. To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brook J. Shaddeau - All Rights Reserved | |||
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scout Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175no place owns me |
I really liked this poem, although it's dark and dreary, it reminded me of when I turned 16, although I never went in depth like you did in this poem. You misspelled Twenty-eight in the 7th stanza i think. Personally, this poem makes me think that if at 16 years I could feel that way, and in 28 I might the same, this just tells me I got to start moving, got to start changing, not conforming to the world, but conform to me. Though I don't know what this poem means to you, I like it and has sort of enlightened me, thanks. xscoutx |
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Gypsy Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20VA Coast |
scout, thank you for your comments. your so right, i have felt this way before but never could have understood it like i do now. it is about changing and being yourself and not allowing hangups to overcome your life. It's a big circle or cycle that never ends until enlightenment  But now as I read it, I don't like it the way I did when I wrote it...I guess maybe that symbolizes my constant need for change. Hee Hee. Anyhow thanks again for reading and commenting.To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson |
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scout Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175no place owns me |
Sometimes change can be a good thing, however I think I change to much, i wish i could stay situated in a place where i am content with it. xscoutx |
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scout Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175no place owns me |
I didn't realize that poem was your first post. That was a real deep poem to post first. I wouldn't of been so open until my later posts. You do have strength. xscoutx |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
I like the mood and expression of this but, I think you could express it a bit better. A frame of structure, or semblance of structure, Like a fine quilt displayed. Your words: Twenty-eight seconds and I smoke another cigarette; I sit and wonder is this addiction so great... one more moment and I contemplate life, too emotional and pivotal to understand, I am a weathered beach. Might be: Twenty-eight seconds, I smoke another cigarette; I sit and wonder “is this addiction so great...” one more moment and I contemplate life, too emotional too pivotal to understand, I am a weathered beach. this is a loose rearrangement of your words. Another might be: 28sec. Cigarette gone now wondering Is this addiction so great. Another puff and I contemplate Life. too emotional, too pivotal to understand, harsh I am a weathered beach. From the first stanza you should set the tone. 28min And as I stand confused at the edge of this ocean, Emotional wounds salt infused, Wine Grapes aged , with one more glass of wine, Taste, Gone many glasses ago. I see potential within these words, I’d like to see more of them. These are just my humble opinions. Gloom [This message has been edited by Professor Gloom (edited 06-25-2001).] |
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Gypsy Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20VA Coast |
Scout...again thank you, strength...i don't know.  Professor Gloom, I see your point and yes this poem was very rushed I must say, I didn't take the time to involve it with any real imagery. I really like your comment on the puff and aged grapes, etc.. I will definitely take this all into consideration, b/c as I had said earlier I didn't like it after reading again and it does seem lacking in places. So I will work on. Thank you so very much for the comments. To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson |
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