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Poeminister
Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862
Regina SK; Canada

0 posted 2001-06-15 12:37 PM


Lodestar

Shining bright you guide me forward
Shining bright you guide me forward
In my sight, zenithal lodestar
In my sight, zenithal lodestar
You guide me forward in my sight
Zenithal lodestar shining bright

And by your ray I see darkness
And by your ray I see darkness
My way trascending through the haze
My way trascending through the haze
Through  the darkness and haze, my way
I find, by your trandsending ray

I steer again with braver heart
I steer again with braver heart
Upon new sea of my own fate
Upon new sea of my own fate
With braver new heart upon sea,
Of my own fate, I steer again

Lodestar, by your zenithal ray
Transcending darkness, you guide me
I steer through haze, I find my way
Braver of heart upon the sea
With new forward-shining in-sight,
My Fate, my own, again, and bright

© Copyright 2001 Kevin Rainbow - All Rights Reserved
Death of Valor
Junior Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 20
New Orleans
1 posted 2001-06-17 04:32 PM


I had to look up lodestar, but it made more sense after I did.

I don't see the point of so much repetition of lines.  I know that you repeat things for a reason, but I think that it takes away from the poem more than anything.  All that repetiton is, rather than reaffirming an idea in the reader's mind, bordering on the boring.  I suggest cutting the repetition out and condensing the poem.  "Form is secondary to the poem."  Form is secondary to content.  What is *in* the poem comes first, and though the form looks pretty, it's not helping.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2001-06-26 04:37 PM


Gee, can we try for something more difficult than a paradelle?

I doubt it.

A paradelle HAS to be read out loud in order to see why it works the way it does. In many ways, it's a form of chanting but that chanting creates the reinforcement for the last two lines and the final stanza. It's really quite logical if you think about it.

This sounded nice and I enjoyed it. Most of my usual ideas don't really apply here because of the sheer difficulty to get it right. If you get it right, the sheer repetition does indeed create it's own effect.

I applaud anyone who tries these things.

But I'm certainly not trying one this week.


Valor,
I disagree that the content is more important than the form, I disagree that the form is more important than the content -- these are abstractions designed to facillitate the discussion of the whole.

That whole is the poem.

Brad

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2001-06-26 11:05 PM


'In my sight, zenithal lodestar'

I thought that line sounded kind of weak since it ended unaccented, unlike all the others. Other than that

I have never attempted a paradelle, and I'm not exactly sure of the format for it. I think that except for the above emntioned line, you did a wonderful job with flow and playing with the actual sound of the words, and if that's what you were going for, you succeeded marvelously. But a word on wording- a lot of the words you chose and phrases used are very cliche and overrused, which, when taken away from the interesting texture of the poem itself, makes it kind of bland. Maybe you could work some more with this and use different adjectives to get your meaning across?

Just out of curiostiy, what exactly is a lodestar? I was confused.

everything's fine.

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