»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Dream Deeply, Dream Well
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Dream Deeply, Dream Well |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
dinner with an old friend, then we said our good-byes,, dream deeply, dream well, she said as we parted, odd thing to say, I thought to myself... lying in bed, her words echoed softly, as I drifted into sleep. my head rose from the pillow, hair fell across my eyes as my feet lightly touched the floor... moonlight was my guide as I walked into the garden, and found you waiting there... waiting for me, as in my dreams I wait for you... we met in love as we never had before... suddenly, the morning light found my head again rising from the pillow, I brushed the hair from my eyes, inspected the soles of my feet... hoping upon hope for evidence that I hadn't dreamt deeply, I hadn't dreamt well... that I hadn't dreamt at all. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-14-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kris, I enjoyed the read but I feel personally that there should be more of an ethereal dreaminess to the poem, I think it would gell the poem together better. I will need to to take some time before I give a reply that might me more beneficial ------- ok I'm back. I think the first verse could be shortened. You make references to parting the dinner on line 2 and 4. I think once enough. Personally I don't think the word "odd" suits the tone of the poem, a more poetic word would be better. I think you could remove the word "to myself..." in the "I thought to myself... lying in bed", to improve the flow. I liked the second verse but it would be nice to see more of a build up of atmosphere, to hear about the curtains blowing the breeze, the wind filling the room with silver light drawing you out into the garden where you meet the lover. "suddenly, the morning light found my head" for me I would see this as a jolting sentence it should hit hard like you have just be pulled away from the dream, maybe something like "Suddenly! the morning light found my eyes" for me reference to the eyes represents that feeling when you are drifting in sleep and the sunlight hits your eyes forcing you to wake up. I think you mention the word "head" too much in the second verse. "inspected the soles of my feet... hoping upon hope for evidence that I hadn't dreamt deeply," I think you need the bring in reference to the garden, it seems somewhat unclear "inspected the soles of my feet... hoping upon hope for trace of soil from my midnight wander that I hadn't dreamt deeply, that maybe that I hadn't dreamt at all." Including a word like "maybe" shows you questioning what happened. I don't think you need the line "I hadn't dreamt well..." I hope this has been helpful and please know that I enjoyed the poem and my comments are in no means meant to cause offense. ===================== Dinner with an old friend, as we parted she said "dream deeply, dream well", a strange farewell I thought lying in bed, her words echoed softly, as my mind drifted to sleep. my head rose from the pillow, hair fell across my eyes as my feet lightly touched the floor... moonlight was my guide as I walked into the garden, and found you waiting there... waiting for me, as in my dreams I wait for you... we met in love as we never had before... Suddenly! the morning light found my eyes Rising from the pillow, I brushed the hair from my face, inspected the soles of my feet... hoping upon hope for trace of soil from my midnight wander that I hadn't dreamt deeply, that maybe "Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life". Terry Pratchett [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 06-14-2001).] |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Brian, for going into such a detailed critique. I certainly will use much of the suggestions in a rewrite. I agree with most of them, and found your rewriting of the poem well done. With sincere regards, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
