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YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263


0 posted 2001-06-12 04:08 PM


the past is never past
be cause
it does not exist,
it is a concoction
of they and them
that still persist.
As a result I stare into
the eyes of him who hung-
being he.
They attempted to divest I of
dignity, took my woman
before I looked
upon the sacredness
of her uncovered beauty;
my brothers still hang
from trees whose leaves
they form to make books!
Come hither take a look:
at their spirits swaying
gently in the breeze,
whispering incantations
that make your children mad!
Make 'em jump off of bridges!
Make 'em bomb your buildings!
Make 'em sick!
Make 'em murder you in your sleep!
Make 'em into Jeffrey Dhamer!
Turn your males into pedophilic monsters!
I see blood and I
hear screams,
and I see black limbs
in a flood at every thorough
you call fare!
From your cradle to your grave
I shall haunt you!
In between it all I will daunt you!
You think I am dead,
but I cannot be!
I am the first MAN,
I am JEHOVAH SEED,
you will cry to me!
\I hear them now off in the distance,
some thrown to sharks,
some fed to hounds,
their blood cries out from every
square inch of this ground!
Oh JAH... Oh JAH...
hide me from the sorrow still to come,
the horror still to come-
to come
             to come
                             to come
                                              to come

(*)



© Copyright 2001 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
1 posted 2001-06-13 11:49 AM


Not sure I got the overall idea here.  But here are my suggestions:
-because-one word
-some good sound in certain parts of this
-i would lose "Make 'em" 2 reasons-I don't like the abbreviated 'em because it seems to be out of sync with the rest of the work, and i didn't think the repetition really did anything here.
-maker your children mad is an okay line, but I would advise changing mad, which is ambiguous to something like either rage or insane
-at a thorough you call fare?
-i would ask yourself what the repetition and format of the last 4 lines brings to the poem.  I think is potentially brings something, I'm not sure what.  But as the author, you should probably know for yourself.

I hope my comments were helpful.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

2 posted 2001-06-14 02:01 AM


The first thing I have to ask is 'who is they'? And then there is the progression from the mysterious force of they to the force of the first man...Obviously this transition is effected by the 'concotion of past and present.'

Hmmmm...I like several parts of this very much...others I am as equally unsure of. I see the poem as ripe with potential. It is however currently rife with ambiguity in many areas. I feel that maybe just a few more additions and deletions that remove some of the ambiguity will make this a better read...
the past is never past
be cause
it does not exist,
it is a concoction
of they and them
that still persist.

**Now honestly...although this sets up the ideas for the rest of the poem, really it is quite bland. I think that maybe the first three lines should go altogether. Then reword the remaining lines..."A concoction/ of they and them/ still persists' or some such thing - which is still very bland. The first idea - the past never existing  - overstates and is burdensome I feel.

As a result I stare into

** Starting off a line with an 'As' is a grammatical nono (and I've been accused before of being too stringent in poetry about grammar and punctuation - but I think - why not be consistent? If you are going to use commas and periods..stick to the rules heh. Not that I don't get it wrong rotf). I'd simply change 'As a result' to 'Now, I stare into'

the eyes of him who hung-
being he.

** Ok. Here we have pure ambiguity. What is the point of the 'being he'? Do you really need it? The 'they' that follows is quite ambiguous enough.  

They attempted to divest I of
dignity, took my woman
before I looked
upon the sacredness
of her uncovered beauty;

** I really like 'the sacredness of her uncovered beauty' - there is something so tender and violated in those lines. The 'attempted to divest I of dignity' is a little awkward.

my brothers still hang
from trees whose leaves
they form to make books!

** Liking that...I don't usually care for ! marks in poetry - but this is very effective.

Come hither take a look:

** Interesting use of the archaic hither...I like it. I'd put a comma between it and take though.

at their spirits swaying
gently in the breeze,

** swaying suggest gentleness - so the gently is unnecessary.

whispering incantations
that make your children mad!

** I agree - very ambiguous 'mad.' I also think it isn't an unwonted ambiguity...provided the ambiguity of 'they' is lessened. Remember - the less additional ambiguity in the piece - the probable better lol.

Make 'em jump off of bridges!
Make 'em bomb your buildings!
Make 'em sick!
Make 'em murder you in your sleep!
Make 'em into Jeffrey Dhamer!

** Definitely change 'em to 'them.' Oh yes lol. Now a question..who is them? I am assuming it is still our mysterious group of 'theys' you are referring to? How is the 'you' making them? It has gone from personal pronoun to 'you' - another ambiguous transition.

Turn your males into pedophilic monsters!
I see blood and I

** ahha! We are back to the personal pronoun...

hear screams,
and I see black limbs
in a flood at every thorough
you call fare!

** huh? Now this has become very dramatic, very dark, almost Faustian. Yet...what are you saying and WHY? To get the impact you want I think the reader needs to connect to a reason.

From your cradle to your grave

** Cliche...maybe change cradle into something that isn't automatically connected to grave?

I shall haunt you!
In between it all I will daunt you!

** The rhyme of haunt and daunt sounds a tad forced... Now I think the ! are getting a little overused also...

You think I am dead,
but I cannot be!
I am the first MAN,
I am JEHOVAH SEED,
you will cry to me!
I hear them now off in the distance,
some thrown to sharks,
some fed to hounds,
their blood cries out from every

** who? Why? This group of 'them' sounds different to the group of them who is lashing out murdering people...

square inch of this ground!

** cliche..

Oh JAH... Oh JAH...

** I like that..

hide me from the sorrow still to come,
the horror still to come-
to come
            to come
                        to come
                                    to come

**Why the four 'to comes'? What had you hoped to achieve?

Ok. Let me see if I have a few connections here. It is mainly from the perspective of the first man. There is no past, so it's connected to the present, hence we have present-day imagery through the eyes of the first man? Perhaps the sorrow still to come has been spoken of in the violent images of 'them' bombing buildings and the such like. Well, this is how it reads to me. Yet, truly - I do think that the identity of the 'they' should be made clear in this piece...even if it is only to mention that it is everyone, everywhere - society even...

K

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

3 posted 2001-06-14 02:05 PM


I should have mentioned that this is a first draft of an idea that I am still mulling over.

Kirk, your comments were very helpful.  Thank you for reading the poem.  The suggestions you made will help me focus more energy on clarifying the voice of the poem.  My old country used to be a British Colony and 'mad' in that environment is synonomous with crazy or insane.  However, I think you're correct, it does lend itself to ambiguity as used here.  I appreciate the time you took to go over the poem.


Severn.
Thank you also for reading the poem and going over it with as much attention as you did.  I appreciate that.  Some of the comments above to Kirk apply here also.  I will certainly keep those parts you found appealing and discard, as seen fit, those parts which are rife with ambiguity and cliches... egad!  I must admit that my use of grammar and punctuation is horrid, it was never quite my favorite part of language classes in school.  Thank you for your input.


Dr. Jo-Bizz
Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 97

4 posted 2001-06-18 12:41 PM


the "being he" is extremely powerful and entirely necessary in my opinion.  i take it to represent the name of God, yahwey, meaning "I AM" or litterally a verb of being.  

i am confused by this poem as well though.  

dr. jo-bizz

But His word was in my heart
like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
I was weary of holding back,
And I could not.

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

5 posted 2001-06-18 12:38 PM


Thank you Dr. Jo-Bizz for reading the poem.  I agree with your comment regarding 'being he' it has double and triple meanings in the poem.  That the poem is confusing is quite possible, however, I will not embark upon an explanation here, this not being the place, for what may very well turn out to be a lengthy discussion.  But you can e-mail me if you wish and we could exchange ides on it.  Thank you.
Anson Beau Cavell
Junior Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 49
Ohio,US
6 posted 2001-06-18 10:24 PM


I am
not confused
I am
you too
not two
You cannot change
this poem or you will reinforce the then
and confirm the past
nothing lasts
don't succumb
              don't succumb
                            don't succumb          

killed my Buddha, killed my Christ
Killed my karma, paid the price

For 27 years I've carried the welt
Wie klein ist Ihre Welt?

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

7 posted 2001-06-19 07:41 AM


It seems you're against the idea of progress, Anson.

K

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

8 posted 2001-06-19 08:29 AM


Anson, thanks for reading the poem.  I'm delighted that at least one person was not confused by it, but I'm somewhat convinced that to write effectively is to communiate clearly, else what good is writing in the first place?  And if I make any changes I won't see it as succumbing, but as a different approach to communicating.  What do you think?
scout
Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175
no place owns me
9 posted 2001-06-19 11:19 AM


I love the flow of this poem, it has a sort of post anne sexton feel to it.  I'm still little confused of the authors intent of the poem (but then again whose to say what you intended except professors and high school english teachers who think they know you), but I would love to hear you analysis of this poem.  I love the fundamentals, but have yet to grasp the entire meaning.

----xscoutx----
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears." -

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

10 posted 2001-06-19 03:39 PM


Scout, thank you for reading the poem.  Writers are always hopeful when their work is greeted with delight.  I am no exception.  I am sorry that the poem's meaning/s elude you, or rather, is not made clear by me.  I am resisting the urge to go into any explanations about the poem.  I usually like to write so my audience understands and connects with themes and or characters in my work.  Believe me, this is bothering me.  I might very well re-write this and see what happens.
Again, thank you.

scout
Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175
no place owns me
11 posted 2001-06-19 09:22 PM


Well that is not your fault, it's because I don't know what type of background you came from, and it most likely differs from mine. So we can see one thing entirely different, that is why I am interested on your personal analysis.  For example personaly, I'm a Christian, and I see a day of judgement.  Reminds me of a part of scripture.

"Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God." Rev. 3:2

It just gives me a quick realization how imperfect I am, and that I need God, and live through Jesus' suffering, instead of letting myself suffer.  Anyways that's my personal opinion, but I don't know you, or how you feel on these matters.

Anyways, no matter what I love this poem, it's one of the best I read in a long time.  (and don't change "Make 'em" to "Make them", because that would just change the voice and flow of the poem).

scott

xscoutx
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears." - Ez. 24:1

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