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Sunset: a monday in June
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sunset: a monday in June |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Trees golden illuminated in the failing rays of western sun- pale moon rising on the dusky horizon laden with cool purple wisps of cloud- and we, mere commuters of shopping centers, jobs, and eternity, scurrying about on the highway in our countless automobiles, disregarding the suspension between day & night, foolishly ignoring the balance of sunset and twilight, missing the fascinating destruction of yet another fruitless day. 6/4/01 This was originally just a quick observation jotted on an old envelope- but do you think night/twilight so close together has a weak flow? And is the ending too dismal? I'm really not too sure... |
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| © Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hush, I like the tone and the almost visual image you have created here. I don't see the reason for th shortness of lines 4 and 5. I would combine them but leave 6 as is. And no, I don't think the neding is dismal but ironic instead. Pete |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hush-- i liked the tone and feel of this piece, and no, i don't think the ending is too dismal; the last two lines were exceptional, i thought. the opening five lines were perhaps a little too generic, bordering on cliche maybe; it's awfully hard to be original with sunsets, i think. maybe show us the sunlight reflecting off the mirrored windows of office buildings, or those 'eye in the sky' traffic helicopters whirring around the cool purple wisps of cloud? i don't know, just an idea. nice work! thanks for posting this for us. jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I very much like the imagery you've created, and the notion of it all being ignored by those too busy to notice it's wonder. The only thing I would suggest changing is in the next to the last line: "missing the fascinating destruction" I would change the word "destruction", as it is not truly that...it is a transition. Nice work...I enjoyed the read, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
But I think destruction was more the point that was being made by Hush. Transition is your perspective Warmhrt, not Hush's. Now as to this poem...I like it. My crit is as follows: My general comment for format: I have some problems with the punctuation. The first five lines have a couple of - (I can't remember the name of them right now lol)...then bang - suddenly there are commas all over the place and not a period to be seen - cept right at the end. I truly think the commas are more a disruption than anything else. I'd try it without them. The -'s are good though heh. Line by line: Trees golden illuminated in the failing rays of western sun- **Like this...BUT how about taking out the golden? 'Trees illuminated/in the failing rays of western sun-' excludes the need for golden. I love failing rays. pale moon rising on the dusky horizon laden with cool purple wisps of cloud- ** Again, I wonder if there are too many adjectives here? Pale/dusky/cool/purple/wisps in three lines. I recommend playing with these lines a little... and we, mere commuters of shopping centers, jobs, and eternity, ** Love this.. scurrying about on the highway ** how about changing scurrying to 'scurry'? Bring it into the present tense? Also, there are many 'ing' endings in this - a change would minus one... in our countless automobiles, disregarding the suspension between day & night, foolishly ignoring the balance of sunset and twilight, missing the fascinating destruction of yet another fruitless day. ** The end is great, especially the last two lines...there is only one thing I recommend - removing the line 'of sunset and twilight' - it's too repetitious with day and night...'foolishly ignoring the balance' speaks for itself. Well..that's me. Thanks for posting - enjoyed.   K |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hush: I liked much of the imagery and agree with Jenni that the last lines are the stronger lines in the poem. The first five lines give us a necessary backdrop, but, as they are written, do seem a bit like cliche to me. Perhaps you could provide us with the backdrop incidentally and at the same time you describe "we commuters". Normally I would not like the reference to eternity but I think it has its possibilities here. I think you could strengthen the effect of that word if you contrast the relatively few twilights and dawns "we" can experience in our lifetime with the potential number of the same in "eternity". I think, by doing this, you could amplify the tragic implications of allowing another day to pass by "fruitless". Just an opinion. I enjoyed this. Thanks. Jim |
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helen smith Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240 |
I enjoyed it too hush ..just as it is ,,,,fruitless is the key word i think to bring us back to what life is really all about . |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Severn, Yes, that was a keen observation that it was my conception that it was a transition, not a "destruction". After all, I wrote "I" would change the word to.....  Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-28-2001).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
quote: A statement of fact, as opposed to a statement of subjective opinion... KI am a refugee of logic...insisting on unlikely land with every step. [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 06-28-2001).] |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Hush... I don't think twilight and night run too close together... To me it kind of sets a pace. It wakes the reader up and keeps them looking for other ryhmes like that... It makes them pay closer attention to the poem's context and dosen't allow you to just fly through it. Keep up the great writting! I really enjoy reading your work! |
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