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Critical Analysis #1
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ode to lip-gloss
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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ode to lip-gloss |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I wonder what it is to be a pot of lip-gloss? Her life must be dreary- She exists in a hot pocket, a dark purse, or tossed haphazardly in a drawer, on a table, Sometimes dropped behind a dressers and forgotten; She lives a lonely life, extracted from her desolate spot of inhabitance only to be slowly gutted, one sweet application at a time- conveniently used as a disposable item of feminine necessity- and put away as the fickle desire for strawberry lips has been sated by a graceful finger gently dipped and savagely probing. I wonder if she feels an emptiness growing inside as some greedy woman attaches herself as a leech would to a fragile darting fish, or an innocent child’s toe; I wonder if she dreams something more than serving the slovenly consumption of a soft, glossy magazine image; I wonder if my own miniature pink & red tin holds secrets I will never know- does she know her life is worth only $1.99? does she despise me for loving her taste and the way she fills the cracks of my chapped lips to make them kissable? does she have a family, friends, lovers, long gone by now, that wait for me to Kevorkian her to the next plane of existence? does she yearn for a real breathing life or a merciful end to slavery? I wonder- does this workhorse of vanity hold poems inside that are only expressed by a prettied face and the hot gasp of a passionate tongue? -5/25/01 If I had a soul I sold it for pretty words -Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by hush (edited 05-27-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Hush, Sorry, I don't have a critique for you today. But I did want to take a minute to welcome you to the forum. Check your email for a special welcoming message. Pete |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Hi - and welcome! From this contribution, I think I'm going to enjoy reading your stuff! I thought this was very well-written - I like the phrases and the parallel (I assume) to female experience. My main struggle was getting past what seemed like a very trivial subject: I don't care about lip gloss! As I say, I realise it's about much more than that, but it seems like a farcical subject - and yet it's not clearly a farcical poem! I think the technical issue here is tone - are you being serious, tongue-in-cheek, satirical? Sorry, not very constructive - I'll come back later after I've thought about it more! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Rip it apart eh? Well...I have to say I like it..I like many of the thoughts, much of the language and the overall feel. I wonder if it is not a little too long...just a bit overdone...like a steak that needs a little less on one side... for example: 'I wonder if she feels an emptiness growing inside as some greedy woman attaches herself as a leech would to a fragile darting fish, or an innocent child’s toe;' I'd suggest you could lose this entire piece...for the purpose of clarity. 'does she have a family, friends, lovers, long gone by now, that wait for me to Kevorkian her to the next plane of existence? does she yearn for a real breathing life or a merciful end to slavery?' this is great...BUT I think that the word 'merciful' overstates a little. 'I wonder- does this workhorse of vanity hold poems inside that are only expressed by a prettied face and the hot gasp of a passionate tongue?' Nice nice nice...like like like... I think if you just tighten it up in a few places...maybe one more revision and this will be superb.  K |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Thanks for the comments... Joricho, the reason I picked writing about lip-gloss is that I want to broaden some of my horizons- to express something in a different light- and I think it's a good writing practice (as well as a thinking practice) to honestly put yourself in someone else's shoes, even if that someone is an inanimate, trivial thing that nobody really cares about... in fact, that's kind of the point. Severn, thanks for the suggestions. I see what you mean about the "emptiness inside" part- I was unsure about it after I wrote it b/c it seemed a little cliche- regarding the use of 'merciful', I think maybe it just adds too many syllables to the line and makes it drag? I'm thinking 'quick' or something sharp and one syllable could do the trick? I'm glad to hear you like the ending; I wasn't sure if it really tied the poem off well or if it was too weak.... If I had a soul I sold it for pretty words -Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by hush (edited 05-28-2001).] |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Hush, welcome. I like the way you gave life to lip gloss, I will never think of it in the same way. It's interesting to see that someone else tries to put themselves into different perspectives. I agree with severn on tightening up a little bit. I also would maybe explain or even elaborate a little more on the feelings and passions of this poem. Otherwise good read. P. J. Kotrch |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Hush, sorry, I don't think I made myself very clear (must stop posting in the wee hours)! I got the point that it was deliberately investigating the life of something "trivial" - and considering it's deeper meaning. I thought you fulfilled that aim with style. However I still feel uncomfortable with the first couple of lines - I think they don't do justice to the rest of it. The "I wonder..." line makes me think of a kid's story book. Would you consider a more direct approach: (eg.) A pot of lip-gloss must live a dreary life - Just a thought! JO. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hush-- i really enjoyed this. it's vivid, arresting, imaginative, interesting, funny and yet serious. the opening few lines were pretty ordinary, but the lines "extracted from her desolate spot of inhabitance only to be slowly gutted, / one sweet application at a time" take the piece to a whole new level, and you keep it there through to the end. well done! i agree with joricho, though, about the opening lines; i don't think it's necessary to tell us first you're wondering about lip gloss, just start right in with the wondering, lol. to me, the poem doesn't really start until the fourth line, although, as an opening line (or even as a fourth line), i think you can find a more captivating verb than "exists", and the phrase "hot pocket" kind of bothers me (it makes me think of those really awful microwave snacks, lol). i also agree with severn on the first four lines of the middle section. you've already conveyed the "emptiness growing inside" with the "slowly gutted" line in the previous section, and i'm not sure the similies in the third and fourth lines there work all that well; while they certainly make the greedy woman's actions vivid, they don't really connect back to your personification, and i think they bring the piece just a little out of focus (that is, you're telling us there about the greedy woman, not the lip gloss). the last five lines of the middle section i thought were a little too much, over the top, especially with the awkward verb "kevorkian", lol, and the phrase "next plane of existence". after all is said and done, this is still lip gloss we're talking about, lol. finally, i think the title is maybe a little too jokey or farcical for this piece. perhaps simply "lip gloss"? in the big scheme of things, though, these are small crits; this really is a wonderful piece. thanks for posting this for us! jenni |
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