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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2001-07-27 01:41 PM

Those Little Things

A gesture of her hand that I adore,
A softly spoken word, or laugh - A crumb
That lifts my spirits just a moment more
With hope for something wonderful to come.
A stolen glance, a passing subtle touch,
A smile from far across a crowded room -
Those little things she does still mean so much
Yet so confusing . . . What shall I presume
Yes, little things, considered one-by-one,
And better judgement warns me to forget,
But since our past can never be undone
I bear what gifts she gives without regret;
I cannot turn aside that painful pleasure,
The little things she does I always treasure.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

JBaker515

Member

since 2001-02-28

Posts 458
Dartmouth College

1 posted 2001-07-27 02:34 PM

Pete-
I really like how you did this...
great effort here...
my only real complaint some words you seemed to sqeeuze in to make rythme, ( i am most likely wrong) But other then that i loved it!!
Great job!!

~Jeff~

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields

Great Below
Junior Member

since 2001-07-17

Posts 13
Massachusetts, USA

2 posted 2001-07-27 10:38 PM

I really liked those poem, while I was reading it, it made me think of my girlfriend who I can't be with as much as I'd like to be at the moment. All of those sorts of little things make my day shine, thank you for reminding me what wonder the little things can be.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2001-07-28 11:21 PM

I don't know exactly how i feel about this poem... on the one hand, as far as sonnets go, the flow is great, and the couplet does a really good job tying things off, so on the technical note, good.

The thing I don't really care for is that it kinda bores me... I mean it's nice and all, and sweet, but it doesn't say much about how she does these actions and little things, or what's so sweet about them, just that she does them and they're sweet. Most of the lines seem a little hallmarkish.

The one thing this does have going for it, I think, is just a hint of ambiguity-

And better judgement warns me to forget,
But since our past can never be undone
I bear what gifts she gives without regret;
I cannot turn aside that painful pleasure,

this would imply that there's something painful in the past, some skeleton in the closet, which ups the interest factor in the poem a little. I personally think it would be more interesting if a few more details were given though.

You are more than the sum of what you consume
Desire is not an occupation
-Nicole Blackman/KMFDM

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2001-07-29 11:39 AM

Dear Pete,

Nice job, as usual. Perfect meter, good word choices, all wrapped up with a good ending couplet.

There's just something, though, that I feel is left out. I can't quite put my finger on it (to use an old cliche), but I think it might be the depth of emotion you usually show in your work. Not sure though. JMHO

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Constance
Member

since 2001-07-28

Posts 393
Ohio

5 posted 2001-07-29 01:46 PM

Hi, I get it, and I like it. I see it as a wistful piece. A couple separated physically, but not quite emotionally--ended but on-going. Bittersweet.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2001-07-29 10:19 PM

Don't understand the comma in the second line.

Ending couplet falls flat. C'mon, give us more of a punch.

But still think you're the best of all of us when it comes to this stuff.

Brad

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2001-07-30 10:21 AM

Thanks to all for your comments and advice. This one has been sort of on the back burner for a while. I haven't been able to write much at all recently but finally made the committment to just finsh something.

Jeff, as for the almost forced sounding rhymes, there were a couple of lines I had to struggle with a lot. You could well be right. As I write this, I realize that I have many times made a similar comment. But if you could be more specific, it would really help. Or is it just an impression rather than something specific?

Below, I hope you get to spend more time with your girlfriend

Hush, thanks for pointing out the ambiguity. That was very much intentional. BTW, I can't really disagree with you on your other comments either.

Kris, thanks. And I think it is acceptable to use an old cliche in a response

As far as the emotional level, that was intentional too.

Constance, thanks. Good observation or interpretation.

Brad, of course you are right on the comma. I'm a little puzzled about the couplet though. I know you have something more in mind but both Hush and Kris made positive comments on it and I was rather fond of it myself. I would appreciate it if you could elaborate. Thanks for reading.

Thanks to all of you for your help. I'll try to improve it with your advice.

Pete

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