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Questionable existence
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Questionable existence |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA 
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Paper thin leaf Upon a tree of its own, It reaches the heavens, But it is all alone, The leaf reveals the other side, But not what’s in between, The time comes, For it to coil up, Emerging its inner self. Ronil (One becomes god only when they have fully understood the role of being a human being.) |
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| © Copyright 2001 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
I like the way this poem is compacted, however, I don't think that having it center justified does anything for the poem. Foremost, "paper thin" is a cliche. Be more inventive, and your poetry will open up in ways unimaginable. I have no doubt that you can think of something more original, because you have compressed some pretty large things into this small poem. I think that line, and the next few others are what need the greatest looking over. I don't like how lines 2 and 4 rhyme. The technique doesn't point out anything signifcant to me, and you don't continue it in the rest of the poem. I think it would be best to alter line 2 because it sounds a bit dryer than the rest of the lines. I don't see the leaf's existence as questionable. Hence, I might rethink the title as well. I suggest something more along the vein of the last line, which, in any case, sounds rather fresh. In fact, you seem to be at your best in the poem with the last line. That line is how the poem wants to be. It is interesting and good to think about, i.e. how does one "emerge" their inner self? Don't be afraid to be a little less concrete, a little more avant-garde with respect to language and grammar/syntax. Like I said, I think you have a great line in that last line, and in its simplicity, it speaks a great deal more than your preceding lines. One last point, your dealings with the leaf reaching the heavens point to some interestingly possible thematic discussion. However, I think my problem is with the word "reveals." In my reading, the leaf is not the revealer, but it is. The leaf is "being." The leaf is at once both sides. I think of many contrasts for the content of both sides, heaven/hell, writing/speaking, being/not-being... Your poem resounds. I want to add that it reminds me of this little piece: "What miracle is this? This giant tree, It stands ten thousand feet high But doesn't reach the ground. Still it stands. Its roots must hold the sky." -Mark Danielewski, Zampano, or Johhny Truant- |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
short...but a very enjoyable read...thanks for the share....  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I kind of like the 'own' and 'alone' rhyme even though it is random. It's kind of a nice surprise. Paper thin is a cliche and not a good description of a leaf. You might just as well say leaf thin. My only real complaint about this poem is all the minor words. 'But it is' 'But not what's' 'For it to' etc. No reason to be too harsh here though. This is not a bad poem. I enjoyed reading it! |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
I see the leaf bieng alone, not showing its innerself. Finally it does as it apporaches death(a solid, more grasp) Ronil (One becomes god only when they have fully understood the role of being a human being.) |
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