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learning to be strong
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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learning to be strong |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
this is my poem that I said I would post, would love to have it critqued  Learning to be strong I see you, walking, one step in front of the other. You make your way towards me, looking gorgeous enough to break a heart, for certain mine. Each step bringing you closer, I can almost look into your eyes. I can see the charm, even from this distance, oh bless and curse the window that opened the hole and dropped you here, each step bringing you closer and yet farther from my arms and, as my heart starts to pound, my head swimming so that your image blurs outside the window, my eyes not even sure anymore if it is you, but the panic inside tells me, yes. And I vow to stand strong, and not yes, not, let your charm send me under. But instead, I desperately claw at the door and blindly head in exactly the opposite direction from you. not this time, not again, not if I can help it... ------------------ ©1999 Iloveit |
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| © Copyright 1999 Iloveit - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Iloveit, I'm not sure how to read this type of poetry yet; unfortunately, I have read a few that are very similar to this (no disrespect meant to your feelings) and am almost always the same thought pops into my head: Why not? Have you read Jack Kerouac; he's gotta a great scene where he feels the initial fear but then plows ahead (it's from, of course, On the Road). I wonder if you might want to explore this from the other direction -- of fighting that fear. From a reader's point of view, it's far more satisfying to read someone trying to find love than to see somone fleeing from it. Just an idea. Some suggestions: I see you walking, one step in front of the other --My first image was of a baby; can you describe how the person walks more clearly. "my head swimming --" and "let your charm send me under" is pretty difficult to reconcile with "claw at the door" (possible but difficult). I wonder if you might set this scene in a pool or in the ocean. Hey, why not have the character swimming under water seeing only the legs (she's got goggles) walking toward her and only gradually realizing who this person is (and what that entails). This might lead to some really interesting imagery. The final flight is then even more complicated by the difficulty of fleeing in the water. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well, I wrote this from an actual event, I looked out my window at work and saw an exlover, who I stay away from because he is not good for me, walking in to the building. I could have stayed, and faced him, but my way of fighting this time was to run, to not let his good looks and charming smile get to me, I had spent a year getting him out of my mind and I was finally doing just fine,and now after all this time I didn't want to let even a vision of him back in. But to go to your critique, I do see what you mean, about the "swimming", and "send me under"....could use some rewriting. To explain the style, I don't often use it, only write freestyle and it usually just flows, but somehow in the writing, this worked, because it was a hard situation to deal with, and the off beat lines seemed right to me at the time....thanks for your critique |
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