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Free Will
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Free Will |
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Joe Houck Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 324california 
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Free Will Walkin’ down the dirt driveway The frigid dim sun falls behind the endless corn fields The once vivid skies fade as I walk back with the mail, nothin' but bills. The dog cries from the oak tree to let her loose to play Better not though, father will be home soon Walkin’ up to the porch I give grandma a Kiss on her forehead, Her once vivid face now aimlessly stares in the distance, No response. The phone cries from the kitchen for an answer, I ignore the cries, I have no answers Walkin’ into acceptance Drowning in the wakes of others mistakes shackled to the shadows that follow me Trapped. Within this vicious cycle, unable to break free Constantly reminded, by my family Walkin’ away from optimism becoming the next of yet another failure My soul, once filled with hope, now replenished with despair And I don’t care. By: Joe Houck This poem is about a man who walks away from hope and optimism. There is no fate. There is always choice. If nothing else choice of attitude. “Man’s inner strength may raise him above his outward fate.” (Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, Jewish concentration camp survivor and writer of the novel "Man’s Search For Meaning." Which is a very powerful book. It is true that only a few people are capable of reaching such high moral standards. Are you one such person? Can you rise above your outward fate? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Joe B. Houck - All Rights Reserved | |||
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
I didn't really read this poem. I just came to see if you had a hot picture .... F |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I hope that isn't a comment with a sarcastic motivation Furlong  Joe - will be back later to critique...interesting piece...like it  K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 05-03-2001).] |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Severn As a matter of fact it was a copy and paste (with small amendment) of Joe's own reply to a recent poem on this forum. I was under the impression that the forum was intended as a place for (semi?) serious comment and for discussion of poetry. Some people seem to put a good deal of effort into critiquing the work of others, and I was merely trying to illustrate to Joe (by using his own words) how such replies might devalue the experience for everyone. And if that sounds pompous - well sorry, but there ya go! I hope that answers your question. F |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
well, even though i don't know if you're hot or not, i'll still give you my two cents. later. i just want to make sure my honest critique doesn't get caught up in something which we may soon be able to dub "cougaryouth part 2". (i hope NO ONE remembers that nonsense) we'll see. |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Joe, I really liked this poem. From a critique perspective, the rhymes, although workable and valid, are a little forced. I would try it with more "free verse". The theme is very contemporary. To be honest with you, I feel this way almost every day. With a few word changes, you are defining my life. lol The difference being, I am compelled to get off my ass at sunrise and do something more than just "accept fate". So I feel, although you have sort of said that in your "end phrase", you should try to say the same thing more forcefully within the poem. fwiw coyote "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
joe-- i thought this was pretty good. i liked the first two stanzas the best, you have a lot of nice details that not only set the scene and paint a picture for the reader but that also create mood and feeling and advance your theme, as well. the speaker doesn't just go get the mail, he walks down a driveway, and not just any old driveway, but a DIRT driveway, and there's cornfields and a tree -- an oak tree -- with a dog underneath; the dog isn't just sitting there, he's crying; there's dim sunlight; the mail is nothing but bills... and father will be home soon. tons of details and good tension. this is just good writing, joe. well done. one little thing that bothered me was the attempt to recreate dialect by dropping all the Gs in "walkin'" and "nothin'". even though i know it's more like how people actually talk, it's a little distracting to look at, and i just don't think you need it here. you have a dirt driveway, cornfields, a dog tied to an oak tree, grandma up on the porch, plenty of other things to let the reader know the score. in the last two stanzas the writing gets a little more vague and abstract, and therefore less vivid and interesting (in my opinion). i was also a little confused about why walking into acceptance is so bad, and how that fits with the speaker simultaneously walking AWAY from optimism; i don't see the two as antithetical, i guess. (can't you accept things and still be optimistic? is optimism really inconsistent with acceptance?) "drowning in the wakes of others' mistakes," and "shackled to shadows", while nicely phrased, didn't add much to the piece here when you don't give the reader much else to go on. what mistakes? what "shadows"? what are you really saying here? how is the speaker trapped in a vicious cycle? there are some hints in the earlier stanzas -- all those bills in the mail, the subtle sense of danger when father comes home, grandma and all her troubles, that insistent phone in the kitchen -- but i think you should maybe do a little more with them, bring them out a little more, use them more to show the reader in the second half of the piece what you're driving at instead of just telling us the speaker is trapped. anyway, there ya go. thanks for an interesting read, jenni |
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Joe Houck Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 324california |
FURLONG: I'm not going to bother to explain to you why, but just trust me when I say you that you are an idiot. =) You need to loosen up a little bit. Roxane: I am not quit sure what it is your trying to say. " be able to dub "cougaryouth part 2".".....what are you talking about? SEVERN: looking forward to your future critique. =) COTOYE: Thank you for your opinions and reply. One question. What does fwiw stand for? JENNI: wow...thank you for taking time to write all of that. Thanx for the props and the good advice/insight. =) |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
For What It's Worth, in Coyote~ese. Again, Joe, I liked this piece very much. "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." coyote [This message has been edited by coyote (edited 05-03-2001).] |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
"I'm not going to bother to explain to you why, but just trust me when I say you that you are an idiot" Well perhaps I won't argue with that as two people I greatly respect seem to agree with you. Still, I have agendas (just as you seem to have) and you, admittedly unwittingly, fell foul of two of mine. If I upset you, I apologise. Meantime, you have lots of helpful comments on your poem, perhaps you'd care to spend some time looking at other peoples poems and thereby help make the Critical forum work? F |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Hmm. I was following roxanne's cougaryouth advice until now, but I just wanted to suggest that furlong is NOT an "idiot" (and I would like "to bother to explain to you why") At least not in the way in which the word is generally defined: id-i-ot n. 1.an utterly foolish or senseless person 2.a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an IQ under 25 Despite his acceptance of the label ("I won't argue"), I would argue that based on the thoughtful and insightful critiques which he provides in this forum, he is, in fact, by definition not an "idiot". Perhaps you were using this term poetically and in a more general sense as a term of reproach. However, based on the diction and plain language of the rest of the reply, I interpreted it literally. Perhaps the word you were searching for was more along the lines of "smart aleck". With a little revision I think your reply could convey your message with the level of precison to which we all aspire as poets. As always, just a suggestion. Further reading: The Idiot Manifesto http://creativeidiots.homestead.com/literateidiotswrite.html I Am an Idiot.com http://www.iamanidiot.com/ You might be an Idiot if... http://www.dahowze.com/funnies/facts/idiot.htm The Idiot Files http://www.idiotfile.com/ How To Keep An Idiot Busy (Warning: Don't go here unless you have a few hours!) http://www3.sk.sympatico.ca/wilsdf/ Diction http://www.uottawa.ca/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/diction.html Diction and Clarity http://www.louisville.edu/a-s/english/babo/snyder/diction.html Poem: Shine Like an Idiot by Joe Kaczmarek http://www.joek.com/poetry/shine_like_an_idiot.shtml Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Poetry http://www.amazon.fr/exec/obidos/ASIN/0028641418/171-4687903-1097806 Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 05-04-2001).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
everyone who wants to see critiquing at its worst /pip/Forum12/HTML/000841.html that is what is i now call "the cougaryouth affair" hopefully everyone is uninterested, but since joe asked, i'm telling. kirk- that is probably the most interesting way i've ever seen anyone respond to an insult. and it wasn't even directed at you! furlong- you're not an idiot, i don't think. unless i missed something here... and joe again- okay, perhaps there ARE some unspoken rules of Critical Analysis. you are new to the forum. some of us have been around for a while, and are used to it, so let me try to explain this. THE reason why most of us are here is because we are actively seeking to improve our poetry. in just about every other forum "That's an awesome poem" or "Good job" or "I didn't really read this, I just think your picture is hot" will suffice as answers. not here. i guess if you had read her entire poem, posted a thoughtful critique and ammended it with that comment, no one would have a problem with it. when you start making comments like that, you take away from the integrity of the forum. it kind of opens it up to the possibility of turning into "Open Poetry 44563" or something. i don't think any of us wants that. and i think what disturbs furlong a little bit was the fact that you dismissed a really good poem with such a superficial remark and then posted a poem that you wanted to gain real insight on. now if you think of it that way, doesn't it seem a little presumptuous for you to expect great critiques? but anyway, i really liked your poem as well. it's bordering on prose in the beginning, but i think the end more or less justifies that. i've never been one to be able to write LONG lines, but you handle them well. i agree with the "G" droppin'. i've always detested the "local color" approach to spelling things phonetically. i think that's just a shortcut to learning how to write vernacular, or to write dialogue in some instances. if you don't drop the "G"s and you still maintain the same tone you have throughout, you won't come off sounding as stilted as you might think. as for the message, i think everyone at one time or another has felt this way, which gives it a lot potentcy. and the best thing about it is that you really can FEEL the emotions set forth here, not just read about them. i think that's about it. i'm drained. i hope you will take everything that's been said into consideration and continue posting. we are always glad to have another talented poet join us. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
well said roxanne (and with SO much less sarcasm!) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
For the most part, you guys have managed to maintain a pretty civil discussion. For that reason I am leaving the thread open, for now. There have been a couple of inappropriate comments made though. Try not to do any more of that. Furlong's comment was a bit provocative but it was very much like an earlier one Joe posted to Beth's poem. So, maybe he deserved it. Everyone judge that for yourselves. But calling someone and idiot is not acceptable in this forum. One might get by with labeling a poem as idiotic but even there I think more appropriate wording could be found. Joe, you will get better response if you do comment on other works instead of just admiring the pictures. If you check some of the profiles of those on this thread, you will find that most of them comment 10 to 20 times for each poem they post. Your record is nowhere near that. Maybe you could do a bit better? OK, everyone try to keep focused now. Thanks, Pete I came back to add another comment. This is not a cold emotionless place nor do we want it to be. It's true that the designed purpose is critical analysis. But it should be, and nearly always is, an enjoyable place. There is nothing wrong with a little light-hearted fun so long as it does not become the main thrust. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 05-04-2001).] |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I knew you would say that Pete, and you said it well. Thanks from all of us for taking the time to moderate and help make these forums possible. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 05-04-2001).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Re: Free Will. This poem reads more like commentary to me, but then what is poetry? It does border on being vauge, and in my opinion, attempts too much. Perhaps you could pick one thing and then pour the emotion on there. Just my two cents. |
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Joe Houck Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 324california |
Ok where to start... KIRK: after reading that VERY long reply on what an idiot is I have realized that I might have used it in the wrong sense. Of course I didn't really mean furlong was an idiot. Im sure he has an IQ of at least 55 j/k. I said that because I didn't agree with his statement and was just telling him to loosen up. You sir are not an idiot either. although after reading your post, it gives me enough proof to call you a dork. Roxane: thanx for explaining "the cougaryouth affair" to me...I was lost. Now about the hole defacing of the integrity of the this holy forum. I did none of that. If you and furlong wouldn't have brought my comment up in my post it would have been long forgotten by now. Im sorry if I emotionally scared you for life by my comment. BUT in my defense What I said in that post "your picture is pretty hot" isn't bad. Even 'NOT A POET', who is a moderator for this serious forum posted a reply under mine that said "P.S. Joe is Right, Your picture is hot!=)" So there is nothing wrong with having a little light heartedness and god forbid a sense of humor. But if comments like such are going to get everyone’s panties in a bunch then I will not make replay's like that anymore. Have a nice day.... and to YeshuJah Malikk: I see what your saying. thanx for your thoughts. |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Kirk and Roxane thank you to both of you I'm grateful, though I suspect "you do me too much honor" - but thanks anyway Pete - thank you for the timely reminders about behavior. What I said was more than "a bit" provocative. And I echo Kirk's comment about your role. Joe - you're right. Occasional lightheartedness is essential , I was having a bad day I guess, no hard feelings I hope. And btw I did quite like your poem F [This message has been edited by furlong (edited 05-04-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK, I think all apologies have been made and, I hope, accepted. I think it is now time to lock this thread and get back to the business of writing and discussing poetry. Pete |
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