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Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

0 posted 1999-09-27 07:36 AM

Ripples of apprehension break the stillness.

Then they stir no more.

It is the calm before the storm.

You don't dare to speak aloud.

If you do,

The demons of society

Might destroy you.

You cough a strangled cough,

And fight to draw a breath,

But the air is stale with conformity.

The wind starts howling,

Striving,

To extinguish the flame inside.

The tiny ants,

Identical,

Are telling you to

Think no more,

Speak no more,

Be like them.

You begin to shrink in your own estimations.

But you mustn't change to be like them.

Well,

Perhaps just one mannerism.

Or add a few slang terms

To your vocabulary.

It's ok, you tell yourself.

In your own mind, you are the same as always.

You look in the mirror,

And comb antennae behind you ears.

Nobody will notice.

And as you tie

Your three pairs of shoes

You think, It's nothing important.

Only a superficial change.

You're still the same person.

Looks mean nothing.

Then,

One day,

You look an ant in the face.

You realize,

You are one of them.

And in your horrified moment of enlightenment,

A shadow appears above you.

It appears to be a giant shoe.

You try to run,

But you've not yet mastered using all six legs.

And then your life has ended

In one resounding crunch.

**************
Any better, Brad?

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

[This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 09-27-1999).]

Iloveit
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 1121
NM

1 posted 1999-09-27 03:25 PM

well, I liked this, don't really have anything to critique on it, I thought it was good....great commentary on human existance!

oh, and I just noticed the first version and Brad's suggestions, yep this is much better, and I still like it a lot

[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 09-27-1999).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-09-27 06:36 PM

Well, I thought it was great! This was just a joy to read. And the title brings back the movie for me in such clear focus.
THEM! THEM! THEM!

I should note that I am a big fan of this type of writing and this type of humor.

Thanks,
Brad

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

3 posted 1999-09-28 01:07 PM

lloveit, Brad, thanks.....

BTW, Brad, I enjoyed your last post...perhaps you have something else you could share with us?

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

KTrail99
Junior Member

since 1999-07-15

Posts 14

4 posted 1999-09-28 01:25 PM

Good work. I had to read it twice due just to get it

One sentance the grammer is off
"And comb antennae behind you ears."

I wrote a short story similar to this but I used the first person view.

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