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NeverMore
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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NeverMore |
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Passnot Junior Member
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18 |
Never, have I been in love More, have I been hurt Never, is when wishes come true More, wishes I make Never, surrendering to wantings More, wanting to surrender Never, forgeting past wounds More, foreseeing future wounds Never, making amends More, breaking bonds Never, sleeping in peace More, waking in wars Never, trying More, dying NeverMore MoreNever |
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| © Copyright 2001 Passnot - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
What you are trying to do is interesting, I think, but the sound needs work. Probably, making the lines all the same number of syllables would help. Also, the first thing I thought of when I read the title was "The Raven". Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
First thing before the critical analysis of the poem... I thought the poem was interesting and fascinating. ^_^ Relatively interesting way to write the poem, and I give you congratulations on a poem which is somewhat intriguing in the way it is written. ^_^ Certainly did a good job of that... But, you know, I'm with Kirk on this one... ^^ The first thing I thought of when I saw the poem's title was "The Raven"... maybe we've all just been disciplined so much that we think of the classics whenever we read something that reminds us of the poem itself... which is definitely something that is fascinating. ^^ Your poem definitely wasn't "The Raven," though... But, the poem's title does fit to some extent... and the fact that you squashed it together into one word makes me curious as to the reason why, as I cannot see any possible reasons as to why that is so... it makes it somewhat confusing. ^_^; Which is relatively different... me confused by a poem's title... *cheers* Anyways, I read the poem with the Never and the More switched around (which is what I think the last line was trying to say), and it does read reasonably well... meter isn't necessary in a poem, but in one where you switch a word with two syllables for a word with one syllable AND the lines rhyme... it makes the poem seem somewhat awkward and unbalanced when you're reading it the normal way, and makes it feel sorta strange when you're reading it with Never and More reversed... Anyways, the words you selected seemed to force a dependence on meter (the rhyming scheme), and for a suggestion, if you're going to try the swap thing, try not to use so much rhyme if the two words have different numbers of syllables. The "imagined" meter totally dies off and slaughters the poem... though still good, it makes the poem seem as though it's lost one of its arms or something... So, instead of that, if you were doing this, concentrate on relaying your intent rather than a focus on the structure of the poem (like, abandon rhyme). Or, a better route would be to choose two words which have the same number of syllables... and the same accenting structure would be good, too. It'll improve the flow of the poem, make it feel a lot more fun to read, and though it would seem a little bit different, if done properly, it would really be beautiful. Once again, a pretty poem with a cute intent, but seems somewhat staggered and hindered by the way it's structured... hope to see more of your works in the future! ^_^ - holatuwol |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I see what holatuwol is saying. The first "more" goes with the rest of the first line and so on. It reads much better this way, the sound is greatly improved if I read it correctly. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
passnot-- i liked the basic idea of the poem, and thought it was pretty good overall. the first three pairings were pretty good, i thought, but after that it started to lose a little steam. the format you chose, repeated lines highlighting some contrast headlined by "never" and "more", is actually pretty challenging; it's hard to come up with seven or eight contrasts like you have here and make each successive one more interesting than the last, especially since the words 'never' and 'more' don't necessarily have to raise a contrast of any kind. i thought the "wounds" pairing was where it started to get a little weak; the peace/wars and trying/dying pairings were really vague and flat. one thing struck me as really odd about this piece. maybe it's just me, but by the end, i had lost almost all sympathy with the speaker. i guess you intended this? at the beginning, the pairings hint at someone who has been unlucky at love, who has been hurt in relationships in the past, but who's still out there wishing, hoping. almost instinctively, i'm on the speaker's side, empathizing with his or her predicament. the surrendering/wanting pairing is great (the best in the piece, in my opinion), and it starts to take the poem a little deeper. this is good. but then a curious thing happens. the speaker is suddenly one who never forgets past wounds, and foresees future wounds. now i'm starting to think the speaker is maybe feeling a little too sorry for him/herself, and the thing with foreseeing wounds... well, if you look for pain, pain is what you'll get. in the next pairing, the speaker announces he/she never makes amends, and breaks bonds -- hardly admirable traits. by the time we get to the speaker never even trying (which in some sense may contradict the earlier wishing), my attitude towards the speaker has changed 180 degrees. because there is nothing in the poem except the speaker (the only apparent subject of the pairings), nothing to suggest why the speaker holds on to all these past wounds, looks for new wounds, doesn't make amends, breaks bonds and doesn't even seem to try in life, the only thing i'm left with, really, is that the speaker's predicament is one of his or her own making. at the end i thought, if the speaker would only stop being so negative about everything, he/she might actually become someone somebody could love. that's fine if you intended that effect, if the piece is kind of a portrait of depression or of the corrosive effects of self-pity. it occurs to me that poe's "the raven" is vaguely similar in some thematic respects (depression, say), and maybe this is where you got the idea to use the "nevermore"? i've read "the raven" a bunch of times (although not very recently), but i never recall actually disliking the speaker at the end, or, even worse, not caring about him at all, quite the contrary, actually. i guess what i'm saying is, losing the reader's compassion or empathy is something i think you have to watch out for here in this piece (unless, of course, you want the reader to feel that way, lol). anyway, i thought you'd like to know how it all came across to me. like i said, i thought this was a nice job overall. thanks for an interesting read, jenni p.s.: this is like the fourth poem you've posted here in critical analysis in the past week, but i haven't seen you post any replies on other people's poems... maybe you could take a few minutes and post a reply or two? this place only works if everyone helps out. |
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