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Critical Analysis #1
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Losing More Than Lost
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Losing More Than Lost |
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Passnot Junior Member
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18 |
Striking pain within my chambers Nights follows with reinforced sorrows I give no thought about tomorrows When last visited grieve Time giving to more hurt With flowers upon the holy dirt At last my trip is coming to an end Halted by my souls dying passion I try to give more to my eye’s vision Looking back to steps long taken Age gives only sight on the past I deny my destiny’s end til the last Hollow are forgotten wounds Contained in my emotion’s memory Caught upon the drift of life’s symmetry Did my tears run dry of yesterday’s cry? Balance turns the tides of tears Loathing expectations and discerning glorious fears |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
The rhyme is good but you have too many non specific words here, pain, destiny, tears, sorrow, passion, they sound pretty but these words don't tell the reader anything. I would be more specific, cut out some of the fat and get down to the meat of what you are trying to say. Best to you! [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 04-29-2001).] |
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