navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Magellan
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Magellan Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.

0 posted 2001-04-11 11:21 AM


His home was nine months of winter,
three of hell; no wonder he left.  
Lamed and disowned, he lived by dead

reckoning and stars, and like the sun,
set to the west to return east;
he created nothing, but found, through

a crooked strait well hidden,
what was always there. No mean
trick, perhaps, but was it worth a

poison arrow and a bed of sand?
Something within you says yes,
compels you to affirm, some thing that

draws you, like him, from morning’s cool
warmth into the day, to navigate
your way around the world, to trade

domestic futures for adventure’s yield.  
How tempting, to move my bed to the date line,
waylay you on your journey to

tomorrow, roll you back laughing
into yesterday, hold you until the sun
catches us, here today,

where creation’s best work could begin.
But I will wait.  Like the Land of Fire,
or the pale Pacific coral mounts,

I, too, am patient.  I will wait.  
I will light a candle and wait  
to be discovered.  

© Copyright 2001 jenni - All Rights Reserved
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
1 posted 2001-04-11 11:52 AM


jenni-
so i get to be the first to reply to this one...  

His home was nine months of winter,
three of hell; no wonder he left.  
Lamed and disowned, he lived by dead

i don't know that much about the real magellan, so maybe that's why the first "stanza" doesn't make much sense to me, otherwise, i like the forthright, jumping right into this, type of style.

reckoning and stars, and like the sun,
set to the west to return east;
he created nothing, but found, through

a crooked strait well hidden,
what was always there. No mean
trick, perhaps, but was it worth a

poison arrow and a bed of sand?

these lines are great.  i really just love the flow of this piece.  it's almost like listening to someone's pure thought process.

Something within you says yes,
compels you to affirm, some thing that

draws you, like him, from morning’s cool
warmth into the day, to navigate
your way around the world, to trade

okay, here is where we make the comparision between magellan and this other guy.  i think it's a pretty smooth transition.

domestic futures for adventure’s yield.  
How tempting, to move my bed to the date line,
waylay you on your journey to

tomorrow, roll you back laughing
into yesterday, hold you until the sun
catches us, here today,

where creation’s best work could begin.
But I will wait.  Like the Land of Fire,
or the pale Pacific coral mounts,

I, too, am patient.  I will wait.  
I will light a candle and wait  
to be discovered.  

the last part of the poem is so wonderful.  i really don't have any criticism of it at all.  it's so wistful, and so palpable.  i can feel this poem.  i see the pale pacific coral mounts, i see the candle.  i don't know how you did it, but i really enjoyed this.  good job.

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
2 posted 2001-04-11 01:20 PM


Very nice.  I haven't exactly read the biography of Magellan, but I enjoyed the  comparison you make between the explorer who discovers something great and the person who you hope will discover something great in you (you being the speaker, not necessarily YOU aka jenni).  Although the format is aestetically pleasing, I think that sometimes (and only sometimes) that mid-sentence stanza breaks can be distracting.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-04-12 01:10 AM


i'll tell you the truth i ain't great at criques about poetry though to me it was a beautiful poem as you told it very well even though i don't know who you are talking about i liked it jenni.keep writing
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2001-04-12 10:03 AM


Nicely done Jenni. I must confess that my memory of the details of Mr. Magellan's journey has somewhat faded since high school days. Actually you have probably included some details I never new in the first place.

Now for the poem itself. The story was interestingly told and the word choice and flow were very good, but that is your trademark. I also was a bit disturbed by the stanza breaks. I think there must be some reason you selected this particular form but it escapes me at the moment. It's not a big deal but I did find myself more than once at the end of a line or stanza thinking, what was that. Then after getting into the next line, oh yes, it did make sense after all.

Now although this is an important subject, I could relate better to one I actually remember.

Thanks,
Pete

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
5 posted 2001-04-12 09:55 PM


Hi Jenni- havent seen your name here for some time--(i think you make the first reply to my first ever post in CA).. .....

First of all, I like the structure and the way the poem flows, both in rhythm and transitions from stanza to stanza,,- the analogy you used works well - the desire to discover and explore- to reach for the unknown  (except of course as you refer, Magellan only made it about 1/2 the journey as i recall before being murdered)....i wonder if he ever wished he had remained in Rio de Janeiro where he and his crew were worshiped... oops-- off subject there-- anyway-- i love the way you wound it up-- bravely-- as magellan himself must have been...... thanks for the opportunity to offer my humble opinions.... Jamie

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

6 posted 2001-04-13 10:59 AM


jenni,

Wow!  This was truly worth the read!  I found it powerful and extremely well-written.  I've always thought that style of line / stanza breaks had a neat effect, and it seemed to fit the mysterious mood and theme of discovery.  I don't really know if I "understood" it (whatever that means) because I don't know who this Magellan is, but maybe if you enlighten me I could appreciate the poem even more.  I'm not sure how else to describe my reaction to your poem... I think it just seemed so expertly done, flowing and with interesting word choice and imagery.  I don't have any suggestions for this one.  Very nice work!  I'll definitely be back for more!

Ashley

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

7 posted 2001-04-13 09:13 PM


Hey jenni..nice to see you back in the forums.

I've read this several times...and just so you know I'm coming to critique it when I get time  

It's excellent...

K

All obscurity starts with a danger:
Your dangers are many. I
Cannot look much but your form suffers
Some strange injury
Sylvia Plath

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
8 posted 2001-04-15 07:12 PM


I enjoyed this. Wasn't sure how the metaphor was going to play out but each stanza is just tantalizingly obscure enough to want to read the next one. You're using some wonderful parallels here -- I didn't find the yesterday, tomorrow, today stanza heavy handed at all, just about right if you ask me. Ending with a candle was also risky to my mind but you pulled it off well (nice switch in perspective as well. I love when that happens).

I noticed how you avoided all proper names. Was that intentional? I don't know if I would have let the island names get away from me, I love many of Philipines' island names (Cebu for example).  

Thanks for the read,
Brad

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Magellan

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary