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Rememberances of Grandma
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Rememberances of Grandma |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa 
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Grandmothers, Gods' greatest gift. They warm our hearts with every touch of their hands. Inspiring us to set ourselves apart from the inhumanity of a vicious world. She loves, like no other, making me feel so very special. Holding me in her comforting arms she eases my pain from the pitfalls of life. Playing games or reading stories by a fire, she devotes her time to me taking my spirits higher. Cooking me lunch or letting me sleep over, I search the world for her shoulder. Her wisdom I so often overlook. Her time with me is never overbooked. Giving of herself so fearlessly, she makes me see the love inside me. Today I found out Grandmas goin away. She won't be back again today. She's dying slowly the doctors say. I wish I could help her in any way. Spend time with me my little boy. Show me how you've grown into a man. Hold me in your arms, and comfort me now. I love you always and you know somehow. I will be with you no matter where you go, my memory is deep inside your loving soul. Someone please, help my Grandma. This cherub of mercy whose love is so sweet. Give me your patience, your trust, your hopes. Grandma please, stay just a bit longer. I love you so much I need you to stay, your love has surrounded me on this your dying day. Goodbye sweet woman, angel of love take with you this symbol of my love..... P. J. Kotrch |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pat Kotrch - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
This poem conveys the speakers' strong sense of attatchment and loss (sadness, etc.) well. However, I would suggest using more specific images rather than generalizations. What I mean is if she cooks lunch, didn't she cook something specific that makes a connection. For my grandmother, for instance, I might refer to the scent of baking bread. Another way of putting it might be that if you overlook her wisdom (for example) don't tell us, show us. The sentiment seems genuine to the speaker, but to truly connect to the reader we need to experience the grandmother through the speaker, not be told about her. I think this can partially be done by spending more time on individual aspects rather than trying to squeeze two ideas into each stanza of about 15-25 syllables. In addition, I would lose the rhyme or consider lengthening the lines or both to take away the light feeling of the poem which seems strange when we shift toward the grandmother's passing. Good luck on your revisions! Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
epoet- i love my grandma. that is what made me really want to read your poem. i know you're thinking "okay, everyone loves his/her grandma" but mine basically raised me, and as you must know a grandma is one of those things you can't really appreciate until adolescence or adulthood, but by then, whoo! it's like an overflowing fountain of admiration. so, how can we help grandma's poem? Grandmothers, Gods' greatest gift. They warm our hearts with every touch of their hands. Inspiring us to set ourselves apart from the inhumanity of a vicious world. i really think you could do without these first two stanzas. you know those pictures frames, the wood ones with all the words on them? you're getting that effect here. if you feel these things about gramma (of course you do!) show them, don't tell us, show us! She loves, like no other, making me feel so very special. not as picture frame-esque, but still unnecessary. i should know this about gramma without this stanza. Holding me in her comforting arms she eases my pain from the pitfalls of life. Playing games or reading stories by a fire, she devotes her time to me taking my spirits higher. Cooking me lunch or letting me sleep over, I search the world for her shoulder. now i think you're on the right track: examples of gramma's caring. i think you could be a little more specific here though. maybe focus in on one particular example that you think of now. Her wisdom I so often overlook. Her time with me is never overbooked. no rhyme is better than forced rhyme. you really don't need this stanza either, especially if you have to force a rhyme. rethink this one. Giving of herself so fearlessly, she makes me see the love inside me. i always hear people talk about "love inside of me" but i really don't know what that is. perhaps you could clarify this some more. Today I found out Grandmas goin away. She won't be back again today. you later say that she's dying. i think the levity suggested by the rhyme and the simplicity of "she won't be back again today" aren't really appropriate for this grave topic. She's dying slowly the doctors say. I wish I could help her in any way. we're all dying slowly. make this more intimate. i want to feel something when you expose this tragic revelation. Spend time with me my little boy. Show me how you've grown into a man. hopefully gramma didn't grow into a man! Hold me in your arms, and comfort me now. I love you always and you know somehow. of course she knows. I will be with you no matter where you go, my memory is deep inside your loving soul. you want to talk about your soul, not hers. her memory is inside your soul. Someone please, help my Grandma. This cherub of mercy whose love is so sweet. this is sweet. i don't know if the cry for help really fits here though. Give me your patience, your trust, your hopes. Grandma please, stay just a bit longer. you can't just start a rhyme scheme and then drop it for no reason. maybe try this in free verse. I love you so much I need you to stay, your love has surrounded me on this your dying day. Goodbye sweet woman, angel of love take with you this symbol of my love..... questions: what is your symbol of love? are you trying to make "love" and "love" rhyme? (you can't) my overall suggestion: well, let me put it this way: one of the most poignant hard-hitting moments i've felt with my gramma was actually when i saw her reading a cake catalog at my house. she started talking about how she wanted to go see the ocean and put her feet into it "one last time." (she always says one last time, but she'll probably live another 20 years, she's just a little depressed) when i walked upstairs to my room, i wondered how many hours, how many days she had sat at the kitchen table, reading something horrendously boring, and dreaming of the coast, just because she wanted to help out her daughter (my mom) by watching her kids (us). so i asked my mom "is grandma bored here?" and she said "terribly." i don't think i can describe to you how awful i felt, i felt like i had wasted this woman's life. and that's when i really began to appreciate her. the thing i think would help this poem most is for you to harnass a day or a even a moment in your time with gramma that meant that much to you. as you describe this moment, you will let us know things about your gramma, about what a wonderful, special person she is. please work on your poem and let me know how it goes. i really think there is something really great and touching lurking beneath this poem. find it, and let it out, and i know you'll have a wonderful and beautiful poem, a fitting tribute to your gramma. |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Well now, after Roxane has done such a stunning job i don't think i could add anything much! Rarely do you find people on the net poetry forums willing to spent the time and effort she has put into looking at your poem. I would certainly echo most of what she says and perhaps emphasise the idea of SHOWING your readers your emotions rather than TELLING them. Thanks. |
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