»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
First try wanted a little feedback......
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
First try wanted a little feedback...... |
|
|
papabear Member
since 1999-09-17
Posts 102Atlanta, GA |
This is the first Poem I've ever written. I wrote it on my 28th birthday while reflecting on past failed relationships and realizing I had failed before I ever began. The Search My brothers......Look... there she is, the very essence of a Strong Black Woman Where....Is she the one with the long silky hair..... No my brother..... she is not Samson....... her strength is not in her hair........ Where ...... Is she the one with the big Ass No my brother...... she is not a mule....... she should never be referred to as just an Ass........... Where........ Is she the one with the big breasts............... No my brother......... she is not a chicken her breasts are not her best feature........ Brothers........ I’m disappointed.......you claim to be looking for a Strong Black Woman Yet you have not taken the time to learn how to find what you are looking for........ How can you expect to find a Strong Black Woman........... If you have not first become a Strong Black Man............ You see my brothers........ only a Strong Black Man deserves a Strong Black Woman...... And therefore only a Strong Black Man can see a Strong Black Woman........... Its not that they aren’t there to be found Its not that they don’t want to be found Its that you don’t know what to look for or where to find it To find a strong black woman you must look deep past the superficial exterior that so many weak minded individuals put their faith in you must look deep into her soul However, If you have not looked deep into your own soul to discover your true essence how can you look deep into the soul of another Only when you have learned to look deep within yourself will you have the understanding and ability necessary to search and find what you desire in others. [This message has been edited by papabear (edited 09-27-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Cozean Louis Hedrick - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
papabear, This is your first shot at writing a poem? Well, it looks to me like you did a really good job. I like the strong style and that the situation is clear without you having to explain anything. I enjoyed the ass and breast play as well. My only suggestion, however, would be to stop the poem at 'what you are looking for' (with an ellipsis). I think your moving away from the 'feel' of the poem and moved into explaining your thoughts instead of showing them. But I could be wrong, Brad |
||
|
donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
i thought your poem was powerful up until the end. Brad's comments seem to make sense. a fine first poem, my friend! but please do learn to spell SOUL...it's distracting. best of luck |
||
|
papabear Member
since 1999-09-17
Posts 102Atlanta, GA |
Brad ...... thanks for the feedback. I believe you are correct...... I did get away from writing a poem and began preaching to myself near the end. Donovan blue ...... thanks for the feedback. I realize I rely entirely to much on spell check. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||