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The Birth of the Artist
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Birth of the Artist |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
I can remember back to when I was a small boy. Drawing pictures; Never setting out with a purposeful intent, Just continuous swirling lines; Curves and straight bolts of ink, crayons, graphite. Always in the middle, somewhere in the center, A bird or dragonfly, a human face or a flower. Always in the middle of chaos was creation. I can remember when I first learned to write. Etching out my little seven-year-old stories, Never setting out with purpose just began writing. Just boys and bicycles, princes and steeds; There out of nouns and adjectives, verbs and pronouns, A plot or subject, meaning or tale; Always out of structure surfaced thought. I can remember when I allowed my first love. Drinking wine; Not with want, or goal, or desire to promote my own ends. Just one beautiful spirit sharing another in the night. Kisses piled upon kisses, dreams spread across dreams, Life laying on life and mingling scent in the air. She read and saw and understood, And at that moment I remember becoming an artist. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'd really think about getting rid of the "I can remember" parts, they seem overly sentimental and predictable. "Dreams upon dreams"? "Life laying upon life"? If you want to continue this theme, suggest the moment without explaining the epiphany. Get away from the hyperbole and move to understatement. One idea would be to show the speaker's own arrogance at considering himself an artist at the point of love and see what the consequences might be if the woman disagreed. I know, I know -- some people want this kind of poetry but, hell, I just can't thinking it can be taken further into the complexities of real relationships. What happened next? Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jason, I must say that I agree with Brad on this one. I think it would be much better to take the idea of "the birth of an artist", and instead of "drawing" it out completely for the reader, "sketch" it behind another picture. This picture could be of the relationship in the poem, a conflict the subject is facing, or an important time in the subject's life. I'd love to see you give this a try, and would very much look forward to the resulting work. Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hehehe ... I LOVE it when I can disagree with Brad!!  This worked well for me ... so I guess I'm one of those people who "want this kind of poetry." I don't think it needs to be expounded further than what you have here. The "I can remember" motif is dull, though ... try rephrasing it if you like but I think ‘twould be more effective just to show it as a progression of events in time. Start with "I remember" if you will (I find the ‘can' unnecessary), but begin the second stanza with "Then"-- "first learned to write" is a bit too colloquial for my taste; it implies a single event with ‘first' but obviously is meant to apply to a period of time. You might think about dropping the "s" in "crayons" unless your switch from medium/instrument/medium was intentional ... I have a hard time imagaining "bolts of crayons. Lines 4 and 5 in stanza two are a bit overdone; I get the impression you've scattered all your toys on the floor and neglected to pick them up.  Mention a few parts of speech and let us dredge up the rest out of the dusts of memory ... we need the practice.Last stanza was my favorite (mush-loving sap that I am) ... could use a bit of trim-and-fluff yet but I'm afraid I have no helpful suggestions other than KEEP THE ENDING because that was what made me smile.  I'll be looking for more ... Linda |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason, I liked this, but for some reason not as much as your others. Perhaps it didn't hit me on an emotional level as well, but I did like what you were getting at. I enjoyed the last stanza and thought it was very romantic, but, call me dense, I had a bit of trouble seeing how it contributed to making the speaker an artist. I don't know if it would ruin it to try to make it clearer, though. Are you saying that this woman understood and accepted the speaker, so that he believed in himself? Or that sharing this core, creative part of himself made him an artist? Or both? Or something else entirely? Ashley |
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