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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Pages and portraits |
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aurora rain Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90 |
You say I’ve started on page one. That’s a novel idea, lips pursed, forehead wrinkled in thought, eyes to go about their charm as they walked, their color contracting and expanding, contracting and expanding in rhythm to the angels that surround your heart. You know, I asked them to today. It was three-fifteen and I prayed to God with my eyes tight shut to hold us steadfast in this storm— I said “please” under my breath too many times, too many times. I mean, I said it until my lips were sore from the contractions of my mouth and my fingers were sore from the incessant strumming of my vocal cords. If I could speak one more word. They say “out of sight, out of mind”. And is that such a revelation? If there’s pictures only to match emotions and faces are far away and light only touches upon what we ourselves can touch and the only voices we hear are the ones resounding within our own ears, is it really such a truth? Page fifty-six now. My hands are starting to ache and the ink’s bled slowly from my pen. Write the love letter? I must. A proclamation of my emotions? I will. For if I’m out of your reach for the time being I do not want you questioning what I did. You’re out of sight, but never, ever, will you cease to cross my mind. |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like the line: 'I said please under my breath too many times'. But.... Most of this lacks the poetic feel and originality needed to impress! I enjoyed the angst however! And the overall read. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Oh, I disagree. I thought it was very good! It flowed very nicely, and managed to get across an anxious mood through all the lines connecting together, flowing from one into the other. Very interesting, also, how the love letter mentioned (I thought) was the poem itself. It kind of blends what did happen and what is happening somehow. Please don't try to make this flowery - not that I'm much of a fan of flowerynes - because the emotion and honesty comes through so well the way you've written it. There are some well-placed flourishes here and there, such as the ink bleeding from the pen (nice image, I thought), but the central meaning is allowed to stand on its own. I also thought the rhyming was a surprise (eg. thought, walked, and heart) and the way you set it up was very intricate. The repetition also made it powerful. I could really get into that frame of mind with the speaker thinking something, and then confirming it to themselves. A feeling of isolation comes through, too, because it's just this person, alone with their thoughts. Very nicely done. If I think of more to say, I'll come back and say it after another few reads! I'll definitely read more in the future. Ashley |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I thought this was a very well written piece. It was full of emotion and had some imagery, but I would still classify it as prose. That does not take one iota of enjoyment out of it, however, and I think you could expand this piece further. Thanks for the read, Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yea, what Kris said. It is prose to me but very well written. I enjoyed it. Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, let's see here: You say I’ve started on page one. That’s a novel idea, lips pursed, forehead wrinkled in thought, eyes to go about their character. You know, I asked them to today. It was three-fifteen and I prayed to God with my eyes tight shut. I said “please” under my breath too many times, too many times. I mean, I said it until my lips were sore from the contractions of my mouth and my fingers were sore from the incessant strumming of my vocal cords. If I could speak one more word. --Drop all this stuff about the cliche Page fifty-six now. My hands are starting to ache and the ink’s bled slowly from my pen. Write the love letter? I must. --Write the love letter here. --See how you have a juxtaposition between writing and speaking and how that might help structure the piece more effectively? Just an idea, Brad |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi aurora, I must admit that of all the poetry I've read from you (and I've read more than I've replied, trust me), this is one of my least favorite. Your trademark for internal monologue has degenerated into a wandering of confused – and seemingly unrelated – thoughts in this piece. When I read the first stanza, the bit about the eyes stuck out to me ... I liked the idea, but you went nowhere with it: "in rhythm to the angels that surround your heart" means nothing to me without some further explanation. The end of the stanza needs some pruning ... in my opinion, it could end with "I said ‘please' under my breath too many times." I think this one phrase makes obvious to the average reader everything that you overstated in the next three lines. The run-on at the end of stanza two could use some polish ... could be said more eloquently with fewer words, IMHO. "A proclamation of my emotions? " Ouch. VERY cold here ... makes me think of a royal edict, not a love letter. "Declaration" might work better here, but even that still has an impersonal edge. Your closing line could have been much stronger as well ... the emotions I believe you are trying to describe are not consistent with someone who might "cross your mind." Emotions such as these usually render their subject a constant presence, not an occasional visitor.  You have much potential, aurora; don't let my criticism (which I really DO intend to be helpful) discourage you. I simply believe that this piece is a bit too personal as written to be effective for an audience. Respectfully, Linda |
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