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Critical Analysis #1
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Dinner Guests.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dinner Guests. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
A couple of nights ago I had dinner with a spider and a fly. No. I was not drunk, and sure as hell wasn't high. I just wanted to have dinner with a spider and a fly. Well-- after the elegantly baked swine, and a few bottles of decent wine the conversation turned to the fine art of getting by. Said I to the fly, "Mr. Fly, could you tell me from your perspective how your kind gets by, though we humans have made it our duty to make so many of you die?" He looked at me out of a gazillion eyes, and calmly said: "we flies have been wondering the same thing about you, we wonder how in the world you creatures actually get by-- and we have watched more of you die, taking into consideration that we do have more than just two eyes." Needless to say I was flabbergasted by this fly who seemed to be philosophically high. It had never occurred to me that a bunch of flies may be standing around watching us humans die. The fly patiently rubbed his many hands as he stared steadily into my eye, and I felt compelled to do the human thing-- which was to swat him like one would a fly; but he was a dinner guest and being the host I was constrained to behave my very best, but I must admit this fly was beginning to put my patience to the test. Said he: "you all have invented all kinds of pesticides, by which you commit unwitting homicide, unwitting because instead killing off the inevitable fly you all will, by nthe folly of your own hands die." I could have strangled him! I'd fed him while his brethren buzzed around in my backyard! Now he was lecturing me. I'd had enough of his wit so I turned to the spider and said: "pray tell Mr. Spider, how in the world do you get by just by sitting in your house all high and dry? "That's 'cause I'm smart enough to not have to go chasing around all day in circles," he said, as he scratched his hairy back... as a matter fact, do you know of a spider that died of a heart attack? You build fine houses and I run all over them pissing where ever I bloody well wish! Damn! I've even seen this pompous fly defecating on some delicious dish that you'll come right out and eat with relish!" This whole thing was turning out to be a huge mistake as you can see, I now had a fly and a spider taking turns ganging up on me. So I lost my cool and stood up to the full height of my human form and said, you two vermin better get the hell out of my house before I feed you to the worms! The fly turned to the spider and said: "Let's vacate these premises before he gets violent; these barbarians haven't learned anything in a millennium that's worth a godamned cent!" The spider left on his silk thread and the fly on his wings, shaking his head. And I still wasn't able to figure out how those two get by. |
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| © Copyright 2001 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
There is some good lines and good cleverness here. But as the dinner goes on and the coversation becomes somewhat angry and intense I felt you'd lost the thread. Re-read the first three lines of the second stanza and note the congenialty you initiate then compare that tone to the conversation that follows. I suggest shorter and friendlier in the re-write. |
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Jazzmole Junior Member
since 2001-02-15
Posts 30Texas |
I agree with Marq. You have some originality here and drew me into the story at the beginning. But to be honest, I have such a short attention span that I only skimmed over the middle stanzas. I was able to get the crux from the first and last of it. Good poem! Some editing would make it great. Michael |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Marq, and Jazzmole. Thank you for reading the poem. I agree with both of you. Major work to be done on this one. Its an old piece I just kind of threw out there. Thanks. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi there, I myself liked this a lot and found it funny but also thought provoking. I'm sure a little editing could improve it a little, but I still thought it was original and neat. Your rhyme scheme was unique as well. That and the premise reminded me of a nursery rhyme. Very interesting read. Let us know of any editing. I'd like to read any rewrites. =) Ashley |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Hi there Ashley, glad you found this interesting. I cannot promise a speedy re-post of an edited version. I'm not too good with that. I don't think I've seen your name before, if you're new here, welcome. |
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